Wii Fit says I’m fat. My gynecologist says I’ve got an inner ear infection.
And yes, those two statements are actually related! I know, the latter statements sounds a little weird. “Uh, did you say your gynecologist said you had an ear infection?” And I know what you’re thinking. “That’s a strange place to keep your ears, Helen…” And just so you know, my good friend Nobilis of the Nobilis Erotica Podcast already beat you to that joke. But it’s true.
You see, the past two weeks I’ve had a slew of female troubles (and if that sort of things grosses you out, you can stop reading here, although it won’t be that gross so why not read on and quit being a big baby, okay?). For starters, my last period was five days late. Considering my plumbing works like clockwork (yeah, I’m mixing my metaphors here), five days is an awful lot of being late. However, I took three home pregnancy tests and they all came out negative, and then I went to the doctor’s office and they did a pregnancy test on me and that came out negative too.
Then my period finally started. But it was really light. And it only lasted four days. And I was having Braxton Hicks contractions. Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions. And then the dizziness started and I couldn’t pry myself out of bed or off the couch for anything. And did I mention my weight suddenly shot up about five pounds?
So I took another pregnancy test, because I swear it felt like I was pregnant. But that came out negative too, and so did another one at the gynecologist’s office. And then when I told my doc about all the symptoms and the dizziness, he decided to take a look at my ears, and he saw…
Both eardrums packed with fluid!
That explained the dizziness right there. Apparently the pollen count has been rather high in our area, and I had an allergic reaction of sorts that involved fluid in my ears rather than snot leaking out my nose.
As for the contractions, the doc did a quick ultrasound on me and confirmed that not only was I soooooo not pregnant (I really was worried about an ectopic pregnancy at that point), but that I also had no fibroid tumors in my uterus. What I did have was one hell of a thick lining of blood and tissue in there, some of which should have shed during my last, late period, but didn’t. No, it had just stayed there, building up until it looked like my uterus was packed solid with tissue and blood, all of it now just waiting for my next menstrual cycle to start so I can bleed like Noah’s Biblical flood while I lay on the couch clutching my heating pad, popping half a dozen Advil and just basically dying of cramps.
Did I say this post wasn’t going to be gross? Sorry…
So anyway, all of this has led me to two conclusions. The first is that the new plants I’ve potted know all about Operation Kill A Lot Of Plants, and they’re going on the offense, clogging my ears with pollen until I’m too dizzy to garden/kill a lot of plants. The second conclusion is that Wii Fit don’t know Jack about female trouble, because if it did it wouldn’t tell me I’m fat when instead I’m actually just carrying around a ton of extra unshedded uterus lining and stocking up on water weight because we all know you can’t have female troubles without adding a ton of water weight to your girlish figure. And Wii Fit also wouldn’t be giving me crap about missing days because I was too damned dizzy and bloated to get on the machine and work out!
To combat my problems, I sent the Hubster out to get me some Clariten D to unclog my ears. I’m also drinking lots of water to help flush out all the water weight and stave off any ultra-nasty PMS symptoms I fear may be headed my way. And I’ve tweaked my schedule to give me a little more exercise time as well because if I can get my weight down even a little, that will also help alleviate some of the PMS symptoms which I know are going to be bad.
So that’s it for Move It Mama Monday. I’m fat and I’m dizzy and now I have to cope with those conditions and get my assets back on the balance board before I turn into Moby Dick. Wish me luck!
