Author: Cynical Woman

Cartoonist, Artist, Geek, Evil Crafter, Girl Scout Troop Leader and Writer. Also, a zombie. I haven't slept in I don't know how long.
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Welcome to Mundania is available now at ARe!

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My short story collection, Welcome To Mundania, is available for purchase at All Romance e-Books.  You can buy the collection of  all four stories here for just $4.99, or get the individual stories for $1.99 each at the following links.

A Man In A Kilt – When Jimmy, a strong-willed Scott, meets a dominatrix named Nan, he’s in for the sexual experience of his life. But what will he do when Nan insists on meeting his family? And how will they decide who wears the kilt and who wears the pants in their relationship?

Rapacious Mrs. Horner – Diane Horner is divorced, outraged, and addicted to gay porn.  She wants what she shouldn’t want.  When her son’s best friend confesses his attraction to her, she knows she should walk away.  But how do you walk away from what’s right there in your own bedroom?

Diablo -Randall is rich and spoiled and used to getting what he wants.  He has his eye on Ty, the hired hand at Polk’s Stables, but Ty only cares for Diablo, Randall’s horse.  Can Randall win over the object of his desire with kindness and friendship, or will he resort to more sinister methods to get what he wants?

A Room With A View -Darcy Daniels is out of work, out of her apartment and out of luck entirely.  When the economy tanks, she’s forced to move back in with her parents and take a lousy job at a burger joint to make ends meet.  Things are looking pretty glum until the day she meets Bobby Kritken, the boy next door.  He’s strictly off-limits due to a feud between his father and hers, but then Darcy discovers she can see Bobby’s room from her bedroom window, and suddenly she has a whole new outlook on life!

You can get these stories and more at All Romance eBooks.  And remember, e-books make lovely Christmas presents, and the price won’t break the bank!

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Writing Wednesday – The home stretch for PerNoFiMo

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Only six days left in November and I’m still working hard on PerNoFiMo – Personal Novel Finishing Month. At this point, I’ve written over 31000 words for my work in progress, tentatively titled “Whip It!” That’s well past the minimum goal of 20K words, and nearing the ultimate goal of 40K for the month. I’m doing good, right?

Eh, not so much. I’ve hit a snag at this point, you see. I started writing “Whip It!” almost three years ago. Back then, it was fresh in my mind and I had lots of ideas. Fortunately, I did put many of those ideas down in various documents. Unfortunately, I jumped right into PerNoFiMo without really digging through those notes first. That wasn’t a problem for the first two weeks, but for the last few days, I’ve been struggling to get through the story because I don’t know where to go with it. I’m the kind of person who prefers to have a story roughly mapped out before I begin to write. I don’t have to have every detail firmly in place, but I do need to know a general direction, and I mean I really need to know it. I need to have a good solid feel for a story, and quite frankly, I don’t have that with “Whip It!” right now.

Nor do I have the research I really need to make this work. The main character in “Whip It!” is a chef trying to start her own catering business. I know jack about catering. I spent a good part of last night searching the web for info on health regulations and food service permits and other such stuff. There are things I’m not sure my characters can do. For example, can you have a naked man in a kitchen during a health inspection? And how does one get a permit to run a catering business? Since much of the plot revolves around the heroine proving to her jerk ex-boyfriend that she can indeed stand on her own two feet and start up her own business, I actually need to show her standing on her own feet and starting up her own business. So I’ve got a lot of research I need to do before I can write certain parts of the story.

In fact, I’ve got so much research and outlining I need to do at this point that actual writing has ground to a halt. I just can’t keep plowing through the story until I take care of these matters. So what to do? Is there anyway I can hit my goal of 40K words?

I’m going to say “Yes!” Let’s face it, PerNoFiMo is my game so I get to set the rules. And the rules say that if I can’t write actual novel-type writing with plot, character, dialog, etc., then I can and should go ahead and play the game of “What happens next?” “What happens next?” is the question I always end up asking myself when the story grinds to a halt, like it has now with “Whip It.” For instance…

Lucy Cheeks, chef and would-be caterer, is in the middle of a health inspection which she must pass prior to getting the go-ahead to run her catering business. However, her assistant chef, Eduardo Suave – a deeply spiritual but very odd man who looks like the love child of Antonia Banderas and Freddie Mercury – was in the yard behind her kitchen doing nude yoga and he comes back inside, still naked, much to the surprise of the health inspector. What happens next?

I don’t have to write the story to answer it. I can just write notes to myself to keep the ideas flowing. So my answer might go something like this.

Eduardo and the health inspector, Imelda Blanc, have some history between them that Lucy doesn’t know about. In fact, what Lucy doesn’t know is that Imelda was one time Eduardo’s lover and dominatrix. She knows all about his nude yoga habit, and is not surprised to seem him roaming around nude in the kitchen. However, Eduardo is a very hairy man, and as a health inspector, she is concerned that some of his body hair might fall into any food they make. For this reason, she insists that Eduardo cannot be naked in the kitchen. He protests, and Lucy fears she’s going to lose her permit over this when her great aunt Bernice speaks up and says…

So that’s how “What happens next?” works. I just keep plugging away at the ideas, throwing writerly style to the wind. Basically, I’m outlining right there in the body of the story. In fact, once I hit my final word count, I’ll probably lift the entire “What happens next?” stuff out of the story document and save it as it’s own file, then continue to work on it and get all my plot points settled and all my research handled before I go back to the actual writing.

See? Word count keeps growing and those pesky outline and research problems eventually get solved.

One more week left in PerNoFiMo. To everyone out there plugging away at NaNoWriMo, I wish you all the best during these final days!

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Episode 45 – A Small Political Rant

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Where to start with this one? Um, how about with “I’m very opinionated”?

Seriously, I had two choices of what to draw for this week – something cute and funny or something more controversial. I’m not usually in-your-face with my political and (lack of) religious views, but there are times when I feel it’s necessary to point out a few things. For starters, I believe I have the right to express myself politically and sexually. For a woman, the two are so intertwined I can’t see how to separate one from the other. It’s to the point where I’m not just writing erotica to turn out steamy sex scenes for entertainment and profit. I’m writing erotica because that’s my way of saying, “Fuck all you people who think I should be meek and mild and obedient and hide in the kitchen while being barefoot and pregnant. I’m a woman with a brain and a cunt and I intend to use them both!” (And no, I will never apologize for using the word ‘cunt,’ just as a man would never apologize for calling his penis a ‘dick’).

Secondly, I actually am thankful for the things I listed in the cartoon above. In a different time and place, under different circumstance, my life would be a lot different, and probably not for the better. I do not take for granted my right to vote, my right to an education, my right to practice or refuse to practice the religion of my choice, or my right to keep other people’s stupid ideas off my body. No woman should take these things for granted, nor should we allow other women to do without these rights.

Third, don’t expect me to play nice if you push me to be something I’m not. I make no bones about my personal beliefs. I am an atheist and a Zen Buddhist (for those of you wondering, Zen Buddhism is not a religion, it’s a practice, and it has nothing to do with any idea of God). If you ask me to say grace at the dinner table, you will get what you get.

And that’s my little rant for today.

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Move It Mama Monday! Gold’s Gym Cardio for Wii

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First, a word of warning. If you ever go to the swimming pool at your local Y, and you see all the senior citizens doing their water aerobics class, don’t sneer. Those folks may be old, but if they can keep up with water aerobics, they are more than capable of tearing you apart! I say this because I’ve taken three water aerobics classes now, and I’m still not sure how I’m able to stay upright after an hour in the pool. Yeesh!

But on to today’s topic. A few weeks ago, I picked up a couple of new fitness games for the Wii. One of these was Gold’s Gym Cardio Workout. The premise behind this one is pretty simple. You “shape” box along to a routine presented on the screen and work up a sweat. There’s a trainer character who walks you through a tutorial on how to move, and then during the routine, he puts you through your paces while various punches and other techniques scroll up the screen ala DDR style. You can do the boxing either using a Wii remote and a nunchuk or by using two Wii remotes, one in each hand (the later is preferred according to the game manual). There are also a selection of gym exercises like push-ups, leg lifts, etc., that you can do. Some of these later exercises use the Wii balance board, but you won’t need one for the shape boxing, which is the meat of the program.

Once you set up your personal data – height, weight, age, and some basic fitness testing – you can start into the program with a few very basic routines. The routines run between 6-15 minutes. The higher up you go in training levels, the more techniques are included in each routine, so you’ll move from basic punching to bobbing and weaving and so forth. You have the option of doing an ala carte workout where you pick and choose what you want to do, or you can let your trainer choose a workout for you. One nice point, the trainer does ask you how hard you want to exercise when putting together a workout for you, so if you’re feeling a little on the blah side that day, you can take it easy.

After each portion of your workout, you’re given a count of how many punches you did. This is used to track your progress. The more punches you accumulate, the more “gold” you earn, which you can “spend” on clothing and other items for your character in the gym “store.” Also, as you workout with the program, you unlock the option of using other trainers and dressing them in different outfits as well. I had no idea why this last option would appeal until I earned a new outfit for the trainer I’d been using. I chose “Alex,” the bishonen hottie, for my trainer, and when I found I could dress him in just boxing shorts with no shirt, my interest in the game did shoot up. Nothing like looking at a half-naked virtual stud muffin while working out to get the old motivation going.

So, do I like the game? Yes. It’s basic, with the main focus on the shape boxing, but there are plenty of routines to work on and I have definitely been working up a sweat. The gym exercises aren’t really all that interesting, but they do provide some muscle building to a mainly cardio workout. The music is cheesy (in both the gym exercises and the exam portion of the game, they insist on playing an instrumental version of “Eye of the Tiger”), but it’s fast moving and I can choose what cheesy tune I want to box to before I start a boxing routine. Oh, and there are also 3 work out locations I can pick from while boxing – a beach scene, a dojo, and a gym.

Basically, there’s plenty of variety in this simple game and it burns calories and makes me sweat. I wish Wii Fit Plus had bothered to revamp their cardio boxing game, because it really is a great workout, but since they didn’t, I’m more than content to workout with Gold’s Gym Cardio instead.

Especially when I’ve got the option of working out with a half-naked bishonen hottie. Yum!

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Writing Wednesday – Should erotica writers hide?

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Meant to post this earlier today, but it’s been one of those days, by which I mean crazy busy. In any event, a quick PerNoFiMo update. Last night I passed the 20K word mark on Whip It, which means at just a little over halfway through the month, I’ve already met my minimum goal. Now to see how much more I can write before November is out. If I can turn out 1500 words a night, every night, until the end of the month, I could hit 40K words. But I’d have to write at least 1500 words every night, and there in lies the challenge.

We’ll see what happens. For now, I’m 20K words farther into this novel than I was two weeks ago, and that’s an accomplishment as far as I’m concerned.

Now onto today’s discussion topic. While reading through the Erotica Readers & Writers Association blog, I came across this post by M. Christian. The article is about the hazards of being an erotica writer and the need to protect oneself from the slings and arrows of the righteous, the intolerant, the uptight and the inhibited. Among other things, M. Christian urges the need for erotica writers to hide what they do. I can understand why he offers this advice. For erotica writers, the threats of being fired, stalked, harassed, arrested, of losing one’s home or even one’s children are all very real.

But…

Here’s my problem with this. You can’t ever hide completely, not if you want to write. You can’t hide and get your stories published. You can’t hide and promote your work online. You can’t hide and go to signings or conventions. You can’t hide and write. Because once you write those words, those awful filthy words about the most forbidden subject of sex, you’ve already revealed who and what you are. You have made your mark in the erotica genre. You have left evidence for others to see. Short of deleting the file and wiping the hard drive (or for you low-tech writers, burning the notebook and throwing away the pen), you can’t get rid of that evidence. You did the deed. You dared to write the porn, the erotica, the smut, the whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-this-genre. You wrote it, and it’s yours. Oh, you can use a pen name, you can promote only online, and you can demur when people ask what you write about, but still. If you write sexually explicit material, then you have already put yourself at risk for being fired, harassed, stalked, etc. Computers can be searched. Pen names can be revealed. You yourself might trip up and let slip some detail that would allow people to connect your story with your name. Even if you just write one erotica story, one steamy sexy scene, and hide it away in a dresser drawer, it’s still there for someone to find and you’re still going to be at risk. It’s like trying to take a dip in the pool without getting wet. Even if all you do is just put your little toe in the water, you can’t not get wet.

For my part, I have never hidden what it is I do. I have never used a pen name. And somehow I have never suffered any of these horror stories that I’ve heard about from other writers. Maybe it’s because I’m not in as vulnerable a position as others are. I’m a stay-at-home mom; I can’t get fired from that job! And I’m in a good, stable marriage. My husband knew from the start what I was writing. So did my parents. To this day, my mother introduces me as ‘her daughter who writes porn.’ My husband’s family all know what I write. My friends know. Heck, even our pediatrician and my daughters’ teachers know. I have never made a secret of this. And yet somehow, I’m doing okay. Maybe I’ve just been lucky. Maybe my own personal horror story of stalkings and obscenity charges and court cases are just around the corner waiting to happen. Who knows?

What I do know is that anyone who tells me to hide the fact that I am an erotica writer might as well just tell me to never write erotica in the first place. The consequences are dire, so don’t even dare it. But telling me to not write erotica would be like telling the late Charlton Heston to not let anybody know he liked guns. To paraphrase the man himself, I will only stop writing porn when you can pry my keyboard from my cold, dead hands. Until then, risks be damned. I’m writing.

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Episode 44 – Why put the ‘die’ in ‘diet’?

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I will happily exercise my butt off over the holiday season, but Ah refuse, Ah say Ah refuse to give up my favorite holiday foods. In fact, I plan to discover some new favorites this year. How about you?

Holiday baking and other cooking starts in earnest this coming weekend. I don’t know what we’ll make yet, but I’m thinking of either a cake, candy, or some cookies. Whatever the kids and I decide on.

I love this time of year!

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Move It Mama Monday! Getting my figure back!

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Okay, so I mentioned yesterday that I had been undergoing fertility treatments the last three months. The treatments didn’t work, which is okay. I knew going in they might not work, and now we can move onto other plans, i.e. adoption. What isn’t okay is all the extra pounds I packed on during the last three months thanks to the medications I was on. Geeze Louise! One day I suddenly weighed an extra 9 pounds! Nine pounds packed on in just one day! Then I’d drop maybe 4 or 5 the next day, only to shoot up another 2 pounds the day after that. It’s been nuts, I tell ya. I’ve had to wear the same three pairs of pants the last three months because I can’t fit into anything else. Ugh! And of course, since I had to spend so much time traveling to and from the doctor’s office, not to mention the time actually spent in the doctor’s office, I missed a lot of days at the dojo and in the pool, so I barely worked out some weeks. Oh, and those meds gave me massive cravings for salty foods and chocolates. Hmmm… maybe those extra pounds aren’t all water weight after all.

In any event, now that I am free of fertility meds and doctor’s appointments, I need to get back on track with my workouts and yes, my eating habits. I’m not going to be too strict about the eating habits becaue hey! The holidays are coming, and I want to do some serious baking and candy making this season. But I do need to get my tushie back to exercise, so here’s the plan for that.

A friend of mine, Patty, took me to a water aerobics class two weeks ago. Did I mention this already? It was killer. Patty and I were the youngest people there and we got put through the wringer. So naturally, I loved it. If I feel like I’m getting a workout, then I’m happy, ya know? Plus water aerobics have two big benefits. First, it’s very easy on my knees. And B, the water aerobics class always takes up most of the pool, so there are no swim lanes left. If I can’t beat ’em, join ’em!

So I will be going to water aerobics classes two mornings a week. That’s two hours of exercise. I plan to get back to the dojo at least two days a week, so there’s another 2-3 hours of exercise a week. Aaaaaaaaaand my good buddy, the Wii, has some new games for me to play.

I know I mentioned that I was getting two new workout games for the Wii – Gold’s Gym Cardio Boxing and My Fitness Coach. I’ve had them both two weeks now and I am a happy little camper. I enjoy Wii Fit, but Wii Fit Plus spent too much effort on the new minigames and not enough on upgrading their original components. I mean seriously, would it have killed Nintendo to through in a few new step routines, or add something new to the cardio boxing and hula-hoop games? Sheesh!

I still want to do another week or two with the two new games before I give an actual review, but suffice to say, I’ve got something to help round out my workouts, something that I look forward to doing along with karate and water aerobics. So here’s to seeing if I can lose those pesky pounds I’ve put on in the past three months. This mama is seriously ready to move it!

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Sunday Contentments – The next phase of my life

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It’s been an odd week. Everybody’s been sick with something – flu, cold, walking pneumonia. Then school was closed for Veterans Day and then it rained so damned hard school stayed closed for 2 more days, so I had the screaming meemies running amok in the house for 3 days straight. I couldn’t even get to my doctor’s appointment on Friday morning because some roads between my home and the doctor’s office were flooded out. Ugh. I’m tired, I’ve got lousy post-nasal drip, and I’m all out of sorts. So what do I have to be content about?

A lot of things, actually. And one very big thing in particular. This may sound like a strange thing to be content about, but I found out Friday that after three months of fertility treatments, I am not pregnant. And you know what? I’m good with that. Disappointed, yes. Hubster and I really do want to have another child. We had hoped that the treatments that had allowed us to have Princess and then Pixie would work one more time. They did not. We don’t know why. Everything looked like it should have worked, but for some reason this time around things didn’t go as hoped for.

Again, I am okay with this. Why? Because it means I am finally done with that phase of my life, the time when I struggle to achieve what comes so naturally for most other women. Ten years ago it was a real kick in the teeth to find out that in order to get pregnant I had to undergo expensive and invasive procedures that might or might not work. It was frustrating and painful, and at the time, it was devastating to deal with. Not so much now though. I went through those procedures twice and came out with two beautiful children. And I knew going into it this time that things might not work out. I am forty after all. There is a definite time limit on these sorts of things.

So yes, I am content to be done with this phase of my life. I am content that I will no longer have to spend 3 hours a day, 3 or more days a week, driving back and forth to the doctor’s office for blood tests and ultrasounds. I am content that I will no long have to inject myself with fertility drugs for days on end. I am content that I will not spend days in bed sick as a dog because my ovaries are so swollen and painful I can’t even sit upright. I am content that I will cease to put on 5 or more pounds overnight because those same medications that make me so ill also pack on the water weight like nobody’s business. And I am content that I will never again have to stress over that same awful question near the end of each cycle; am I pregnant this time, or not?

I am escaping what was once my own personal hell. On the upside of things, I am very content to know that I can now move on to other plans. Since I am not pregnant, I can now say yes to certain projects that I would have had to have turned down with a baby on the way. There are novels I know I will have more time to write, paying work I can take on because I won’t have to worry about taking time off nine months down the road. I can get back to a regular work schedule this week and get current projects back on track. And best of all, after the holidays Hubster and I can start looking into adoption because yes, we still plan to have that third child.

The last ten years of my life have been defined by my body’s ability, or lack thereof, to produce offspring. I am finally free of all that. And while this didn’t end in the result I had hoped for, I’ve got to say, it still feels pretty good. In fact, it feels like contentment.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, everyone.