Cartoonist, Artist, Geek, Evil Crafter, Girl Scout Troop Leader and Writer. Also, a zombie. I haven't slept in I don't know how long.

Move It Mama Monday

Well, I’m finally going to declare 2009 officially started because I have no choice in the matter. Yeah, yeah, I know. 2009 started almost two months ago. Well I had so much stuff from 2008 left hanging over my head that I wasn’t really ready to start 2009 until today. And I’m starting today because (drumroll please)…

I turned 40 today. That’s right, I’ve hit not-quite-middle-old-age.

I have to say 39 was pretty rough. I had a lot going on – the podcast, promoting my first book, writing and publishing my second book, the webcomic, Princess starting kindergarten, Saint Michael the Magnificent’s work schedule (he’s telecommuting with a NASA center on the opposite coast). I’ve been struggling to keep up, and I finally hit the point where I decided to start shoving stuff of my plate and not adding anything else on. This year I’ve decided to focus on certain basic things that I need to do, that I really want to do, that I enjoy doing, and nothing else needs to be added.

And one of these things is getting back in shape. I know I said back in January that I wanted to lose about 10 pounds. Well I hadn’t made much headway in that as of a week ago. Being so busy means lousy sleep and eating habits for me, which means low motivation and a sporadic exercise schedule at best. But on Valentine’s Day weekend, while I was away at a sci-fi convention pimping the new book, Michael picked up a Wii for the family, and now everything has changed.

I got to play with a Wii a bit back in December when we went to visit my in-laws. One of my brothers-in-law brought his over for all of us to play, and I thought it was fun. I also thought that maybe playing DDR would be a fun way for me to squeeze in a little exercise every now and then. I hadn’t seen the Wii Fit yet. But when Michael showed me the new set up in our living room, he handed me the Wii Fit disk and I thought, “Hmmm… this might be interesting.”

I had seen the Wii Fit demo online at Nintendo’s website, and wasn’t sure I’d be getting much of a workout from the program. Boy was I wrong about that! I’ve been doing Wii Fit for 8 days now, and I can honestly say it’s a butt-kicking workout. I put in between 30-60 minutes a day on that thing and I’m always dripping sweat when I’m done. I haven’t seen much change in my weight yet – I’ve lost one pound since I started 8 days ago – but I did notice a difference tonight when I went to my evening karate class. I’ve been struggling the last several months in karate. My knees have been nothing but trouble since my first pregnancy, and after Pixie was born, they were pretty much shot to hell. Constant pain in my knees plus extra weight plus being tired all the time has added up to me really not wanting to go to karate… and I’m a second degree black belt! I’m supposed to be good at this stuff, but I’ve been sucking wind for ages trying to keep up in class. I have to wear these humongous braces on each leg to protect my knees, which really makes it tough to do class. It’s a fight to kick or lift my legs, and my balance has been so off that some of the katas and stances have been downright painful.

Well not tonight. This evening I went through two hours of class, and I don’t hurt at all! I’m a little tired, but that’s nothing compared to how I usually feel after an evening of karate. I was able to do everything with no pain today, and I saw marked improvement in my stances and balance. It’s all due to the Wii Fit. That thing measures and tracks my balance and gives me instant feedback throughout the workout so I can correct myself on the spot. It’s really been a workout for my legs. I can actually see my hamstrings, and I know from working with a physical therapist that strong hamstrings alleviate a lot of knee problems. This is nothing short of a miracle for me!

So in honor of my new found energy and to mark my 40th birthday, I’m thinking of doing a regular bit on Mondays called “Move It Mama Monday,” where I’ll blog a bit about what I’m doing to get myself back into shape and stay there. If anyone is interested in contributing ideas for this particular series of posts, don’t hesitate to e-mail me at helenmadden (at) cox (dot) net. I’m looking forward to seeing if I can get my thirty-something body back now that I’m forty.

Episode 26 – I Have A New Book! AAAAUGH!

OH MY GOD!!! I HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT!!!

Seriously, I’ve spent the last few months running around like a chicken with my head cut off AND my ass on fire, trying to get ready for the release of “Future Perfect: A Collection of Fantastic Erotica.” Final edits, cover art, announcements, promo, conventions, more promo… I’ve pulled more all-nighters than I have since Pixie was a new-born, maybe even more than I have since grad school (and that was a loooooooong time ago). It’s been a lot of work, and I hope you all find that it’s worth it.

Future Perfect will be available both in digital format and in print from Logical Lust. It will also be listed on Amazon.com, and I believe there will be a Kindle format for it as well.

I will be at Farpoint this weekend, the 13th-15th of February, in Timonium, Maryland. I’ll be there as a writing and podcasting guest (and that feels so good to say – I was INVITED to be a GUEST!). I plan to have 20 copies of Future Perfect, plus copies of “Coming Together: With Pride,” “Cream: The Best of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association,” and hopefully a few copies of “Demon By Day.” I’ll also have some swag – bookmarks and postcards, and maybe even some nifty looking buttons for the Heat Flash Erotica Podcast.

I have to thank Michael for everything he’s done through all this. No kidding, that man really does have a halo. He’s taken the kids more evenings and weekends than I can count, caring for them while I lock myself away in the office to work. He’s put up with my weird schedule (weekends off? Who the hell gets weekends off?). He’s fixed computers, built computers, bought computers, and probably executed a few computers for me (the last I’m sure he did as humanely as possible). And he’s taking the girls again this weekend as I take off for three days of pimpin– er, promoting the new book up at Farpoint.

I still have a lot to do after the convention. I’ve got to get promo put together for EPICon 2009 and prepare for a panel I’m doing on podcasting there. Plus Michael and I have a three-day karate camp to attend, and Princess has a birthday coming up this month (so do I, but we really don’t want to talk about how OLD I am, do we?). But, come March, I’m hoping that things finally start to settle down a bit. I won’t be taking on any more new deadlines, but instead plan to concentrate on what’s already on my plate.

Any other news? Oh yeah! I’ll have a story in the upcoming “Coming Together: Al Fresco,” edited by Alessia Brio. This is another charity anthology, which means I’m donating the story, but I have to tell you, competition to get into these anthologies is fierce, so I’m happy to be given the opportunity to participate.

I’m sure there’s lots else going on too, but right now I’ve got a slippery Pixie fresh out of the tub and I need to catch her and slap a pull-up on her before we have an incident. Have fun this week! And don’t forget to…

BUY MY BOOK!!!

What I Miss

I miss…

  • Sleeping in on weekends.
  • Staying up late to watch movies or have sex.
  • Breakfast in bed.
  • Listening to grown-up music.
  • Having the weekend to myself, with no obligations to be anywhere.
  • Evenings out with friends.
  • Afternoon naps (mine and the kids).
  • Time to read.
  • Time to draw, just for fun.
  • Crayons.
  • Magic markers.
  • Trips to the craft store.
  • Trips to the fabric store.
  • Sewing.
  • Costuming.
  • Being Xena Wariror Milkmaid.
  • Watching Xena Warrior Princess (but only the first three seasons).
  • Regular workouts at the gym.
  • Long hot baths with bath oil and fancy body scrubs and candles and aroma therapy.
  • Long hair.
  • Red hair.
  • My pre-baby body, especially the knees.
  • Feeling relaxed and well-rested.
  • Fat, happy, sleepy babies curled up in my arms.
  • My two cats who passed away in the last two years.

I don’t miss…

  • Wondering if I’ll ever get pregnant.
  • Being single and living on my own.
  • Working at a ‘real’ job.
  • A big paycheck.
  • Not knowing what I want to do with my life.
  • College.
  • The Army Reserves.
  • The Army Physical Fitness Test.
  • Wearing a uniform.
  • Wearing a business suit.
  • My twenties.
  • My thirties.
  • My teens.
  • My acne.
  • My braces.
  • The ass-holes who tried to make life miserable for me in school.
  • School in general.
  • Any of my ex-boyfriends.

I turn 40 in a couple of weeks. There’s a lot of things I miss these days. Looking over my list, I realize I can fix most of those, if I want. Then there are the things I don’t miss. I’m glad I’ve moved along with my life and left those things behind.

What do you miss from your younger days? What are you glad you left behind?.

Episode 25 – This Is My Life!

Yes, this has been my life the last several weeks. Since November, I have struggled to survive the holidays, a convention (9 panels, 1 reading, an all-day author table!!), final edits on my new book Future Perfect, creating the cover art for said book, getting set up to join the “Oh Get A Grip” group blog (read us – we’re fun!!), keeping up with the Heat Flash erotica podcast which now airs on Thursdays at 8PM on Radio Dentata (streaming internet radio with teeth!!), clean the house, feed the kids, help the Princess with her homework, potty train Pixie, and somehow find a few moments to have sex with my husband.

Yeah, it’s been a little busy.

Things are starting to slow down a bit. I got my last major deadline out the door on Friday. I submitted a short story to Alessia Brio’s Coming Together: Al Fresco, and regardless of whether or not I make it into this volume, I highly encourage everyone to buy a copy of any of the Coming Together books (I do have a story in Coming Together: With Pride, if you’re interested). Coming Together is a charity anthology and all the proceeds go to the organization of choice for each volume. It’s doing good while being bad, and ya gotta love that.

So this week’s cartoon is just a glimpse into what’s been going on at la casa de Cynical Woman. I’m tired, but things are evening out and I hope to be back on some sort of regular schedule in the next couple of weeks. I’ll be at the Farpoint science fiction convention on Valentine’s Day weekend, the same weekend as the release of Future Perfect, so I will be gearing up for that, getting promo ready and preparing for the panels I’m on (only six this time, I believe). Otherwise, I’ll be turning my attention back to the podcast and this cartoon, putting in a little more time on my two favorite projects for a while. Hopefully, I’ll have another cartoon ready within the week. See ya then!

Ephemera 01 – I Am a Baaaaaaad Cartoonist

I did not forget you guys. Seriously. And no, I have not died. I have simply been too dang busy for words. Honestly. Right now, I’m trying to finish edits on my next book, get the cover artwork done for said book, get my podcast out the door, prep to participate in TEN panels at a science fiction convention coming up this weekend, and put together a workshop outline on podcasting for EPICon 2009 (Vegas, March, be there, baby!). Not to mention trying to recover the house from the holidays, recover the kids from the holidays, and oh, I’ve been sick the last week and a half.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Whine, whine, whine. Quit being such a big cry-baby, Helen, and get with the cartoons already! Well, I don’t have a Cynical Woman cartoon done right now (although I already have the next few episodes scripted out and they will be funny, I promise!). What I do have is this…

I know, it’s freaky, but this comes from my current sketchbook, which I carry around with me and doodle in whenever I get a free moment (free time? Ha! What’s that?). This was mostly done in the dojo our family attends, during Princess’ karate classes. The Saturday morning classes, that is, when Saint Michael the Magnificent takes Pixie shopping so I don’t have to keep an eye on that hyperactive little busybody who gets into everything.

So, every now and then, when I get a sketch done (or as I find a few old ones I’ve got lying around), I’ll scan it in and present it here. These will be called ‘Ephemera’ and they will be a nice little bonus to the usual comics. Or they will be a way for me to buy some time when my sorry ass gets behind in my work again.

What I want to do this year.

I had meant to post my New Year’s resolutions the very first day of the year, but I’m still sort of stuck in 2008 thanks to a project I’m working on that won’t be over until next weekend. I hate this project, and can’t wait to get past it. It’s been taking up so much of my time at a point when I really need to be working on other things. I won’t say what said project is, but those of you that know me well know what I’m talking about. It’s something I volunteered for and I will never volunteer for this particular project ever again. Nope, no sir, couldn’t pay me to suffer through this misery another year.

Any way, let’s take a moment to look past next week and into the time when 2009 will finally start for me. I’ve been thinking about what I really want to do this year, things I’d like to change, things I’d like to start, things I’d like to finish, and here are some of my goals.

  • I want to work less and spend more time with my family. I spent several weekends in the library slaving away over this project I hate so much and missed a lot of time that I could have spent with my husband and kids. I don’t want to do that this year. Plus having a kid in school has turned out to be more demanding of my time than I thought, and I have no choice but to quit working at 3PM so I can focus on the kids.
  • I want to lose 10 lbs. Yeah, yeah, I know, everyone thinks I’m skinny and I’ve got nothing to complain about, but I’m starting to get that middle-age creep in my weight, and I swear, I don’t want to be 40 this year and be 10 lbs. over weight. I can lose the weight if I make a few changes, so that’s what I’m going to do. And I’m going to reward myself with a new summer wardrobe because for once, I’d really like to have something to wear in the summer that I can enjoy.
  • I want to read more. I got the mini-laptop for Christmas and promptly bought two erotica e-books. I was enjoying the first one very much, but the dreaded project I hate reared its ugly head and ate up all my reading time in addition to my work and family time. So after next weekend, when the dreaded project finally dies– er, I mean is finished, I want to go back to reading half an hour a night before going to bed. Just today I bought three more e-books through Fictionwise.com, and I can’t wait to sit and read them. Plus, I want to go to the library once a week as a family so we can all have a chance to browse and pick out books to read. I love the library. When I was a kid we used to go there every Friday night, and I want to start doing that again.
  • I want to play more games. We spent a week over the holidays with Michael’s family, and those guys play a lot of games! Cassie is old enough now to sit in a lap and play with someone, and on ocassion, she can even play a game herself (she’s not bad at Uno). I want to pick up some games to play with the kids and then some games I can play with Michael and other adults when they come over (I’m looking at you, Mary, John, Patricia, Vince, Patty, Lloyd, Rick, Cindy…). Games would be good!
  • I want to watch more TV. Not kidding on this one. I watch almost no TV these days beyond the ocassional half-hour of kids programs during the day. I had to give it up to do some of this work I’ve had all year, and it sucks. I miss watching all the cool sci-fi shows, and I’d really like to start watching some of the history and science programs that show up on PBS, Discovery channel, etc. I love those things. Plus I’m way behind on watching ‘Coupling.’ That show is such a scream! So yeah, I’d like to get in a little more tube time, just a couple of hours to vegitate and enjoy myself each week.
  • I want my hobbies back, at least one or two of them. I want to get back into sketching again, and maybe either beading or polymer clay again. I’m thinking polymer clay is more likely, since I can sit with the kids on a Friday afternoon and make little figurines with them (with Cassie anyway; Sam could make beads). It would be fun to have a hobby again.
  • I want to take the kids out to play more – swimming at the Y, hula-hooping in the backyard, long walks, hiking, working in the garden, etc. We don’t get outside nearly often enough, and I want to change that. I’m thinking I want to surprise Cassie and Sam by picking Cass up for school and then taking the three of us straight to the pool for an afternoon swim. That would be fun! And it wouldn’t take a lot of work either, just grabbing the swimsuits, towels, and shower stuff and tossing it in the car before Sam and I head down to the bus stop. I think we’d all really enjoy that.

Anyway, so those are my ideas for this year. More fun, a little less work. I still need to sit down and figure out the work schedule, because I do have things I need to accomplish writing-wise and art-wise this year, but I won’t be taking on anything that eats up all my time again, and I’ll work on just one project at a time, so this could work. One more week until I can get started. I can’t wait.

Episode 24 – Happy Holidays, You Perverts

It’s 12:30AM, Christmas day. I’ve been up since 5AM, and refused to go to sleep until this sucker was finished and posted. That’s how much I love all of you. Really!

Aside from the web comic and the book I’m currently editing (Future Perfect, due out in February 2009 from Logical Lust Publications), I decided to take it easy this week. My parents are here, along with my sister. I had one day where I buried myself in editing, and I missed out on making the gingerbread house, so that was the end of my daytime work hours. Since then, I’ve played Twister, made fudge with the kids, gone book shopping (our extended family overwhelmed the cafe in Barnes & Nobles!), wrapped presents, gone to church (yes, my family dragged the only Buddhist they know to church, and I had to stand through the whole mass, it was so dang crowded), and tossed naughty story ideas back and forth with my good friend Kathleen Bradean. We want to write something super-naughty, kind of like that cartoon up there.

Anyway, I need to hit the hay, because I know the kids are going to yank me out of bed at any minute, screaming, “Santa came! Santa came! And he left presents!” Here’s hoping Santa hits your house too and leaves you something fun.

Merry Christmas and happy Boddhi Day 😉

Homemade Holidays

I’ve had a lousy week do to work issues, and I’m so fed up and frustrated that I can’t seem to stop snapping at my kids. I hate being the Grinch, so I decided to take a little time off from my obsessing about stuff that I can do absolutely nothing to fix and spend an evening just enjoying my girls instead. Cassie needed to make a Christmas ornament for her bus driver and Sam was in a pissy mood because Cass has all the good play jewelry and she wanted something new. So I broke out all my old beading stuff and this is what we made.

Cassie’s holiday ornament. She did most of this herself. I helped by bending the wires after she beaded them and then finishing things off by making the final loop for the hook. Otherwise, everything else is all her work.

Sam’s new necklace. I used memory wire, which holds its shape forever. That way I didn’t have to add a clasp to the ends or tie anything off. She can just slip it around her neck, but it still has an opening so the necklace will come off if it gets caught on anything. Sam picked out the beads and handed them to me. I did the stringing and finished off the ends with some needlenose pliers.

There was a lot of fussing and fighting over beads and who got Mommy’s help when, but all of that taught me a very important lesson. Doing any sort of craft thing with kids can be frustrating and stressful, but not nearly as frustrating and stressful as what some adults (who should know better) do to others. I’ll take my girls over most adults any day of the week.

Funny How Things Change

Before I had kids, I used to go to the bookstore all the time. Seriously, I lived there. I even dreamed that I owned a house that was a bookstore, complete with a fancy cafe and all the cappuccino I could drink.

After having my first child, I quit going to bookstores for a while. It was just too hard. I couldn’t browse for books while handling a screaming baby. It got a little easier as Cassie got older and developed an interest in books, but even then I frequently found myself trapped in the kids’ section of the store, watching my daughter tear around the place and wishing I could somehow magically transport myself to the magazines, science fiction, mystery, non-fiction… Any part of the store that didn’t involve Disney Princess books and Thomas the Tank Engine.

Now that Cassie is in kindergarten and Sam is almost ready for preschool, I’d begun to look forward to the day when I’d be able to hit the bookstore alone. I could browse for hours without listening to someone whine “I’m boooooored!” I could order a piece of cheesecake at the cafe and not worry about someone dropping it on the floor before I could get a bite. I could have coffee and not have to argue with a small tot over why they can’t have another sip of my delicious and highly caffeinated beverage. Then came today.

I needed to get some gift cards for Cassie’s teachers. The bookstore seemed like the best bet for a teacher gift. I grabbed my wallet, coat and keys and turned to Sam.

“Okay, let’s go to the bookstore!”

“No! I don wanna go bookstore! I stay home with Dada!”

“Huh? Uh… I’m going to the bookstore, sweetie. You know, books? Thomas the Tank Engine? Disney Princess stories? Cookies and brownies and treats? Let’s get your coat on, okay?”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I stay HOME with DADA!”

I looked at my husband. He looked back at me and shrugged. “Go ahead. She can stay here with me.”

So I went. And I hated it. I didn’t have anyone to sit with me at the cafe. I didn’t have anyone to chat with as I browsed for books. I didn’t have anyone to ask if we could please buy a princess book. I was so damned lonely I almost cried.

Next time I go to the bookstore, Sam doesn’t get a choice. That little fart is going with me. It’s just no fun on my own anymore.

My Husband, My Hero

My in-laws have a series of plaques hanging in their dining room. Each plaque is painted with a cartoon of family member done up as a saint. There’s Saint Jerry, patron saint of husbands and protector of wives and children; Saint Carmen, patron saint of housekeeping and child-rearing; and then there’s one for each of the five boys in the family.

My husband, the oldest son, has a plaque that says “Saint Michael, the Magnificent.” Sometimes, I find this epiteph absolutely hysterical. Like whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night and I trip over the shoes he’s left in a huge pile all over the bedroom floor. And why am I getting up in the middle of the night? Because one of the kids is screaming for us, but Saint Michael the Magnificent suffers tragically from nocturnal deafness, meaning he doesn’t hear a damn thing once his head hits the pillow. He also suffers from “I’ll-get-to-it-itus,” a debilitating disease which causes him to forget to do things like clear the kitchen table or vacuum the floor or get the kids to pick up after themselves. These are all chores I normally do, but on nights when I take karate class, he’s supposed to do them. Yet I always come home to find toys strewn everywhere, dirty dishes still on the table, and our youngest daughter’s dinner scattered all over the dining room carpet. When I ask Saint Michael the Magnificent when he plans to get to these things, he always answers, “I’ll get to it,” which in our house translates as “I’m going to forget all about these chores and leave them until **you** do them dear, because my giant brain is just so busy with other things!”

And speaking of giant brains, Michael does have one of the biggest. That man has not one but two degrees in aerospace engineering. He makes his living programming flight simulators for commercial aircraft. He’s fluent in C++, Fortran, Java and fifty other computer languages I know nothing about. He reads physics books… for fun. He can explain at length the difference is between gravity and gravitation, and has done so many times at the dinner table but my brain is a little too small to handle that conversation. His hobbies include building computers and fixing bug-riddled software, and he has become so intimate with our computers that I sometimes think I ought to sew a few microprocessors into my lingerie so I can get his attention. He is, in short, a geek god.

This is not a bad thing though. In fact, yesterday it turned out to be a very good thing. One of our neighbors passed away unexpectedly this week. I stopped by to visit his wife and see how she was doing. Her family showed up right away to help with the funeral arrangements and make sure she was taken care of, but there was one problem no one could figure out — how to get into the husband’s computer to pay the bills. The widow had never been involved in handling the household finances. She only knew that her husband had everything set up on the computer and she didn’t know the password to get to the info she needed. She was looking at paying someone $85 an hour to hack into the system. I told her to wait; I was pretty certain I knew someone trustworthy who could do the job for free. I called Michael immediately.

“I need you to be a hero for someone,” I said.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“Mr. Smith died, and Mrs. Smith can’t get into his computer to pay the bills. Can you help?”

After a moment of silence, he said, “Maybe. It depends on a few things.”

“Can I tell Mrs. Smith when you’re coming over?”

“Yeah, about five thirty. I need to research a few things first.”

Michael came home around five, went up to his computer and started printing some documents and burning DVDs. “I want to go over there with a full tool set and all the latest info,” he explained. He left the house shortly after that, papers and DVDs tucked under his arms. I sat down with the kids and prepared to wait. Some computer problems could take hours to fix, I knew.

Michael was home ten minutes later. “Problem solved,” he said. “The operating system had a backdoor. Mrs. Smith can get to all the files now. I told her if she needs anything else, just give a call.”

Michael went off to karate class an hour later. Mrs. Smith called while he was out. “I just wanted to tell you, that was the nicest thing anyone has done for me all week. Tell your husband I am so grateful!”

Her thanks made me want to cry. Not because of what Michael did for Mrs. Smith. A lot of others would have been just as willing to help out in the same situation, and a lot of people in our neighborhood probably will help Mrs. Smith over the course of the next few weeks. It’s just that kind of neighborhood. But it made me realize that I will never ever find myself in the situation Mrs. Smith found herself in this week. My geek god husband, he of the gigantic brain, the man who suffers from “I’ll-get-to-it-itus” has already made plans for when he dies. He’s not planning on dying anytime soon, mind you. But he knows accidents can happen, the unexpected can occur any day, and he’s got a wife and two kids to take care of, whether he’s around or not.

The man who cannot remember to clear the dirty dishes off the dining room table is the same man who made certain we both have powers-of-attorney and trusts written up. The man who leaves his shoes all over the bedroom for me to trip over is also the man who created a password reset disk for me and stored it in a safe so it’s there if I ever need to get into his computer to pay the bills, I can, and there will be enough money in the accounts to handle the bills for at least a couple months. The man who cannot hear his five-year-old daughter howling for a glass of water in the middle of the night has made damn certain that neither his kids or his wife is ever going to want for anything should the worst happen and he not be there to take care of them himself.

I could go on and on about the things Michael has done to take care of this family — the weekends he stayed home and taken care of the kids without complaint so that I could run off to the library and work; the 3AM computer glitches he crawled out of bed to fix so that I could write that oh-so-important story or record that really important podcast; the poopy diapers he changed; the late nights he spent rocking a colicky baby; etc., etc. He has always come through when I need him, and he always will. So what if he can’t pick up his socks and put them in the hamper, and he rattles on endlessly about the finer points of physics to a woman who’s biggest mental challenge is how to get her two-year-old to poop in the potty? He takes care of the important things. He takes care of his family. He helps his neighbors and friends when they need it.

He is, in short, Saint Michael the Magnificent. He’s my hero, and I’m damned glad he’s my husband.