Author: Cynical Woman

Cartoonist, Artist, Geek, Evil Crafter, Girl Scout Troop Leader and Writer. Also, a zombie. I haven't slept in I don't know how long.
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Move It Mama Monday! Sneaky ways to exercise this Christmas

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I was looking at my schedule for the upcoming week and I realized that there is pretty much no way in hell I’m going to make it to any of my usually scheduled exercise classes. Princess has a party today, which is early enough that I can’t make it to water aerobics. Then she comes home early tomorrow from school, which means I can’t go to karate class. My sister is showing up Wednesday, again early enough to kill any chance of me slipping in a water aerobics class. The dojo is closed on Thursday, the Y is closed on Friday, etc., etc., etc.

So I need some alternate ways to sneak in some exercise this week. Here are a few ideas I’ve come up with.

1. Clean the house. I’ve got family coming, right? So I should clean from top to bottom. If I throw on some heart racing music and really get into the swing of things, I could break a sweat and bust a move while chasing dust bunnies out from behind the fridge. Never mind that my sister doesn’t give a hoot about how clean the house is. All she cares about is whether there’s a place for her to sleep or not.

2. Chase the children away from the tree, the presents, the fridge… Basically, run after the kids and keep them out of trouble. I’ll have both home, and will need to be on my guard to make sure they aren’t getting into things they shouldn’t be. Last thing I need is for Pixie to topple the tree on herself, or Princess to go digging through my closet to find out what “Santa” brought her for Christmas. I figure if I do a few laps around the house every hour, that will produce a low but steady calorie burn and let the kids know someone really is watching to see if they’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

3. Slush ball fight. It snowed here this weekend. Not a lot, just enough to foul up traffic and turn our yard into a mud pit. If I’m really desperate for some exercise, I can take the kids outside and we can throw slush balls at each other. I’d rather throw snow balls, but hey, this is Virginia. Snow in December wasn’t going to last anyway.

4. Sex with the Hubster. He is home this week. We just need to put another holiday special in the DVD player and let the kids zone out while we go get jolly in the bedroom.

5. Post Christmas morning clean-up. Given the number of boxes currently sitting under our tree and the number of presents still waiting to be wrapped, I’d say it’s a sure bet my living room is going to be completely trashed by the time the last gift gets open. If I want a workout Christmas morning, I can pull on my sweats, grab a trash bag and a box cutter and set to work. I guarantee you I will be busy all day this way.

Any other good ideas for a holiday week workout? We could always walk through the neighborhood to look at all the lights and displays, I suppose, and I could maybe even go for a jog or just turn on the Wii. But I’m looking for the creative route here. What do you guys plan to do to squeeze in a little exercise this week, huh? Let me know!

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Sunday Contentments – Why I hate the holidays

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I’ve been trying so hard this week to find my warm happy spot in the midst of all the chaos. I’ve failed, miserably. There is no contentment for me today, only angst and stress and all the usual emotional crap that attends the week before Christmas. Here’s what’s wrong with my life right now:

I have two small children who are hopped up on Christmas specials and sugared goodies, in spite of my best intentions to see that they get limited amounts of both. Does EVERYONE they know have to throw a frickin’ party, complete with candy, cake, ice cream and other junk? Apparently yes, and as a result, the kids are driving me up the wall.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time bellowing at the aforementioned children because they are so damned hopped up. It’s like their tiny little ears have been blocked with sugar, requiring me to scream at the top of my lungs, repeatedly, to be heard. And even when I am heard, their attention span has shrunk to zip, so they’re not doing anything I ask them no matter how loudly and how repeatedly I ask.

The Hubster is home. You know I love that man. In fact, yesterday was the 19th anniversary of our first date. But he’s home, so he’s underfoot, and no matter how hard he tries not to, he’s completely disrupting my schedule just by being in the house during hours when I would normally have it to myself. It’s these little things he does like suggest, “Hey, let’s have lunch!” that keep throwing a monkey wrench in my otherwise perfect schedule. Speaking of which…

Ah, the schedule. It’s broke, meaning I am staying up too late and not getting out of bed as early as I should. When my schedule is off, getting work done because difficult. I have several articles to write, a book to read, a novella to get started on, two book covers to create, a podcast to record and produce, blog articles to write… and gifts to buy.

Oy, shopping for presents. If I had been smart, I would have started back in November, but nooooooooo! I had to wait until this month, THE month of Christmas, to do my holiday shopping. Doing all that holiday gift buying on top of my usual workload with both screaming children and the Hubster underfoot is seriously putting me out of whack.

And this is just a short list of what’s going wrong right now. Honestly, it’s stupid to complain, I know, especially when I do have so many things going right. I have paying work coming in, I have a husband and children in good health, I have family I love coming to visit this week, and I have a warm bed and a roof over my head and the promise of a lamb dinner on Christmas night. Yes, there’s a lot going right in my life right now, and just as soon as my own sugar-induced holiday angst starts to clear up, I’m sure I’ll see it again.

Have a good week, folks. I’m about to go soak my head in some egg nog.

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Random Cartoon! Hair we are on Babylon 5

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The Adventures of Cynical Woman is far from being my first cartoon. I think I’ve been cartooning as long as I can remember. I drew comics for the Collegiate Times at Virginia Tech for four years! I drew several comics on my own, to sell and give away to friends. I’ve always cartooned, I tell you. Then yesterday, while flipping through some old sketch books, I found this cartoon, which for some reason I never showed off anywhere – not online, not in a college newspaper, etc. I still think it’s hysterically funny, but then I was a dyed in the wool Babylon 5 geek 😉

Again, hysterically funny if you’re a B5 geek. If not, I have no idea what you’ll think of it.

Maybe I’ll dig out more old cartoons and start posting them here…

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Writing Wednesday – The best gifts for writers

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Today’s topic is gifts for writers, but we’re not talking about word processing software or fancy pens or Kindles or gift certificates to book stores or anything like that. The best gifts you can give a writer are the ones that don’t cost a damn thing. What I’m talking about here is two things most writers never get enough of – feedback and support.

Is there a writer out there who’s work you really enjoy? Send them an e-mail, or if you’re so inclined, an actual letter letting them know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a lousy day turn into a good one just by getting a message from someone saying they enjoyed something I wrote. Feedback means a hell of a lot, especially to those of us writers who are still working in the minor leagues, who don’t have the fame and fortune that go along with being a Stephen King or J. K. Rowling. To folks like us, the words “I really loved your book” are worth their weight in gold.

Do you personally know a writer? Then be prepared to give them your support. If they’ve got a book signing coming up, show up for it! And bring as many of your family and friends as possible. There’s nothing more abysmal than having a book signing and then no one shows up. Unless it’s writer’s block. If the writer in your life is having problems with a nasty case of writer’s block, sit and listen to them hash out their story lines. Even if nothing they say makes any sense to you, the act of talking about what they’re writing may help them get through that block. Hell, the Hubster usually has no idea what I’m babbling on about, but he always listens when I’m trying to figure out how to make a story work.

Other things you can do – recommend your favorite writers to other folks. Don’t pirate their books, but if you’ve got a copy of a book to loan or give away, then go ahead and do that. No, we don’t make any money that way, at least not at first. But maybe the person who reads that borrowed or second-hand book will then go out and buy the rest of our books, and bingo! We’ve got a little financial love coming our way.

Pass on links to blogs, retweet announcements, post honest reviews of a writer’s work. These are all things you can do for the writers you love, and they don’t cost you a thing. Heck, if you love me, send folks over to the Heat Flash Erotica Podcast, or get them to listen to the Good Parts podcast. Both are free for download, so your friends get no-cost entertainment, I get new listeners, and you get brownie points for spreading the love. Win all around!

Seriously, this holiday season, think about the writers you love and find a way to let them know. We’d all really, truly appreciate it 😉

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Win a Sony e-Reader from LL Publications!

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LL-Publications is giving away a Sony PRS-300 E-Reader to one lucky customer!

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LL-Publications is one of the publishers I work with, and we’re doing a big push to get the word out on this. So, how do you get a shot at winning this lovely, lovely e-reader? Simple! Every purchase of a Logical-Lust or LL-Publications book (ebook or print, short story or novel) between 12th Dec 2009 and 12th Jan 2010 gets you an entry into the draw for a SONY PRS-300 EBOOK READER! The more titles you buy, the more entries you have and the better your chances!

Here are some of the features of the SONY PRS-300:

• Lighter than a typical paperback weighing just 220g the new ultra slim Reader Pocket Editionâ„¢ is designed to fit in your bag or pocket – take it with you wherever you go
• Elegant lightweight design with front aluminium panel in a choice of new colours to suit your own personal style
• Easy to read 5 E Ink® Vizplexâ„¢ paper-like screen has no backlight or flicker so you can read for hours – even in direct sunlight and at virtually any angle. 8 Levels of grey scale gives ultra fine text detail
• Built-in 512MB memory easily stores around 350 eBook titles so you can carry all your favourite thrillers biographies or romantic novels on-the-go
• Long battery life with 6 800 continuous page turns from a single charge – enough to last up to two weeks and get you through the longest journeys
• Compatible with the industry standard ePub and PDF formats

Impressed? The PRS-300 retails at £179.99UK/$199.99US, but could be yours for the price of an e-book (which is one heck of a bargain, I might add)! What are you waiting for? You don’t even have to buy the book(s) directly from LL-Publications! Our books are available from AllRomanceEbooks, OmniLit, Bookstrand, Amazon, Amazon UK, Barnes & Noble, and a whole load more online retailers. Just email your purchase receipt to editor(at)ll-publications.com before 13th Jan 2010 to validate your entry.

Contest is open to US and UK/EU residents only. No maximum number of entries. There is no cash equivalent or alternative prize. Entrants must be aged 18 or over. Eligibility period is from 12.00am 12th Dec 2009 to midnight 12th Jan 2010 US EST.

Not sure what to buy? I could make a couple recommendations…

Future Perfect: A Collection of Fantastic Erotica

Welcome to Mundania – buy all four stories in one colleciton, or get them separately! Really, however you like!

Seriously, you NEED to do this! Just buy an e-book and MAKE IT HAPPEN!

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Episode 48 – Is this a trick question?

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Oh yes she did!

Last week, a few days after I had posted episode 47, I was busy folding laundry when I noticed Pixie had some strange greyish stains on her arms. I went to check on her and thought, “Hmm. These stains look suspiciously like washed off paint or… INK?!”

You see, I had pulled out a bottle of India Ink the weekend before, to experiment with for the cartoon. And I had left said bottle on my art desk, where I do all my cartooning. Now, Pixie knows she’s not supposed to touch anything on that art desk. However, Murphy’s law states…

Oh hell, you know what Murphy’s law states. And we all know Murphy was a damned optimist! Anyway, I raced to my bedroom to check my desk, and sure enough, there were solid black ink stains everywhere, including on the cartoon I had drawn last week. It was at this point that I vaguely recalled having seen Pixie in the bathroom diligently washing her hands, and I also recalled thinking at the time, “Well that’s nice! She’s finally listening to all those lectures I gave her on washing her hands after going potty!”

Yeah, I know. I’m an idiot sometimes.

The damage wasn’t too bad, certainly not as bad as I’ve painted it in the cartoon above. But this isn’t the first time little Miss Pixie has gotten into something she shouldn’t have and then proceeded to get it all over the place. Right after the Hubster spent a week painting the walls downstairs, she grabbed a piece of bright blue chalk and colored on his paint job. I guess ecru low gloss wasn’t to her taste. Other times I have found marker on the window sills, and on her clothing, and on her face. Oh, and ball point pen shows up in the most interesting places around here. The kid’s a menace, I tell ya. A real tiny vandel!

But then so was I. Maybe this is how Pixie learns to become an artist, hmm? That or drive me crazy!

Did I mention India Ink is permanent? Oy!

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Move It Mama Monday! Holiday exercise

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Do you or don’t you? Exercise during the holidays, that is. I have to admit, it’s getting to be a struggle to find the time to do everything I would normally do, and I’ve missed a couple workouts and I know I’m going to miss a few more in the upcoming weeks. But still, I’m trying to fit the exercise in wherever I can. I’m afraid if I don’t, I won’t fit into any of my clothes come New Year’s Day. That and the fact that taking time off and having to dive right back into exercise after the holidays are over is just a real bitch to do.

Right now, I’m keeping up with 2 days a week of water aerobics and 2 days a week of karate. On top of that, I’m doing mini-workouts, about 15-30 minutes long, in the evenings a couple times a week. It’s still not enough to fight off the holiday flab, but it’s enough to ensure I don’t spin completely out of control healthwise over the next few weeks. And I have to admit, it also helps me stay calm. When the holiday stress really starts to get to me, I can just work up a real sweat and then be too damned tired to care.

I’m curious to know what other folks are doing, exercise-wise this holiday season? Are you cutting back, or putting more time in the gym? Are you being ultra-super-careful to eat healthy, or like me have you already given yourself a nasty case of heartburn by eating too much greasy fatty food? (You folks have no idea how much I miss my gall bladder at times like that.) Let me know what you’re up to!

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Sunday Contentments – Cookies

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I know this is going up late, but I just got back from Mary’s a little while ago. She and I spent most of the afternoon baking cookies and making fudge while the kids rampaged through the house and the husbands watched football and watched the kids rampage through the house 😉

I love holiday baking and I love my friends, so I’m very grateful I took a day off today to just bitch and bake with one of my best friends. We ended up making almond toffee sandies, sugar cookies, mint chocolate fudge, and something I think we’ve decided to call Christmas puffs. The Christmas puffs were Mary’s idea. She figured the kids needed something they could do with minimal supervision, so she melted some chocolate and set that out with big marshmallows and crushed candy canes. The kids dipped the marshmallows in the chocolate and then in the candy canes and then set the results aside to cool. Very simple and we only had minor squabbling about who’s turn it was to dip marshmallows next.

We split all the cookies and treats between the two families before I grabbed my brood and headed home. Tomorrow’s task will be to portion out all the goodies into small packages and deliver them to our neighbors. We’ll save a few for ourselves, obviously, but only a few because it’s not even Christmas yet and I’m already having problems fitting into my jeans. As the Pixie is wont to say, “Mama haff a big butt!”

And that’s pretty much it contentment-wise this week. Just baking and bitching with Mary while the rest of the family kicks back. Not really sure how I could top that, except maybe to have had a couple more friends with us to help bitch and bake and add to the general chaos.

Have a good Sunday night!

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Sex on Saturday – Man marries video game?

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I thought I ought to devote the occassional blog article to what’s going on in the world of sex, so here we have Sex on Saturday. These posts will be about any interesting news or tidbits I find on sex and related issues, with links to pertinent articles on the web. And for the first post, we’ve got a doozie.

Nintendo Love Simulator Wedding – a Japanese man has married a Nintendo DS video game. The game, Love Simulator, helps teach guys how to act with women, via a digital girlfriend who can coach them along. But it appears one guy has taken things to a new level by falling in love with the game itself and marrying his virtual girlfriend.

My thoughts? It’s not so far-fetched as you might think. Earlier last year, Japan introduced the robot girlfriend who goes into “love mode” when a face closes in on her for a kiss. There is also the book Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships. I’ve got a digital copy of that but haven’t read it yet. Maybe it’s time I should before someone replaces the Hubster with a Hal 2000?

In any event, how far fetched do you think it is that a person would fall in love with an automaton? Before you answer, think about any crushes you might have had on comic book or cartoon characters, or how much you love your stuffed animal collection. People have a habit of loving the inanimate and unreal for some reason.

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Free Read – Torch This!

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I could swear I posted this story before to the blog, but for the life of me I can’t find it now. So here it is again, the only fan fic I ever wrote, Torch This! I’m posting this in conjunction with my post on Oh Get A Grip tomorrow, about sequels, prequels, and fan fiction. Enjoy the tale!

Disclaimer:
I am not a fan-fic writer, nor am I the creator of any of the characters who appear or are mentioned in this story. Not even Mary Sue. Any resemblance between this story and actual fan-fiction is purely coincidental and highly unlikely. I’ve got nothing but love for fan-fic writers — only a very dedicated and talented group of writers could create some of the tales I’ve read — but I’ve also got an evil, twisted imagination and I cannot resist a joke.

To paraphrase Senator Mon Mothma from ‘Star Wars – A New Hope’:
“Many plot bunnies died to bring us this tale.”
‘Nuff said.

Torch This!

by Helen E. H. Madden

It was a dark and stormy night…

Thunder crashed as Mary Sue typed the words into her laptop. Though a real storm raged and bellowed outside her living room window, she paid it no heed. Wrapped up as she was in her favorite terry cloth bathrobe and fuzzy bunny slippers, she was perfectly cozy and content. What’s more, she was in the zone.

The fan-fic writing zone, that is.

Tippy tap, tippy tap, her fingers danced over the keyboard, bringing her favorite characters to life. Lured by the sound of a writer hard at work, plot bunnies scurried out from under the couch to array themselves at Mary Sue’s feet. They looked more like little bits of fluff than actual bunnies, but they were very cute and enticing. One jumped onto Mary Sue’s lap.

“Oooh! You look like fun!” She scratched the plot bunny’s fluffy little chin. “You know, those big blue eyes of yours remind me of… Frodo Baggins! Oh, and Samwise Gamgee!”

At that very moment, a crackle of electricity shot out of the laptop’s screen and coiled around the plot bunny. As it pulled the squealing creature into the computer, Mary Sue gave a wicked smile.

“Oooooooooooh,” the other plot bunnies murmured, and they huddled closer to each other.

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