Category: The Adventures Of Cynical Woman

So I started a bazillion little seeds in my kitchen over a month ago for this year’s Operation Black Thumb, and now I have a couple dozen seedlings struggling along. Yes, the attrition rates have been high this year! Not sure what the problem is, but I’m starting to think I need to get some grow lights if I start from seed again next year because I just don’t have a decent sunny spot in my house to set up seedlings. Patty has grow lights. Of course, Patty’s like a gardening genius, so she knows what she’s doing.

Patty is the other character in this week’s cartoon. She’s made one other appearance in ACW, and no I’m not going to link to it because I’ve only got a little time to post this before my parents come banging on the door telling me it’s time to do something. Yes, my parents are here. Yes, they will come looking for me if they want me to do something. I’m 41 and still taking orders. It sucks, but on the other hand my mom usually springs for a nice trip to the book store, so there.

Any way, Patty. Patty does square foot gardening, and she thinks I should try it. I think I should try it too, if only because it will give me a more organized way to kill plants. “Yes, this square foot is the burial plot for our tomatoes, and this square foot is for zucchinis. This square foot is still available though, Mr. Bell Pepper, so if you’re looking for a nice final resting place amongst friends…”

Patty has promised to help me with my garden. Which means Patty is crazier than I am. But I knew that when she offered to host this year’s Easter Egg Hunt at her place.

Thank god for Patty.

I’ll be at RavenCon in Richmond, VA, this weekend, volunteering for the convention. If you go and you see horns, it’s most likely me!

Oh yeah. It’s that time of year again. Time for Operation Black Thumb! Right now, my kitchen is full of tiny, struggling seedlings, all of whom look at me and scream, “Why’d you bring us into this world, you sadist?!”

Actually, it’s not quite that bad. I’d say about 3/4ths of the seeds I started last month have come up, and considering that I’m gardening with small children, I don’t think that’s too bad. And I did plant a ton of seeds this year, in hopes that I’d have enough hardy seedlings come April 15th, which is the frost-free date around here. I may even have more than enough, in which case I’ve promised the extras to Mary and my neighbors (and all these people are so much better gardeners than I am).

The kids are having fun watching the new seedlings come up, and they have promised me that they will help me grow lots of tomatoes and beans and herbs, etc. Meanwhile, my friend Patty, who is the best gardener I know, has promised to help me put together a square foot garden for next year. We’ll probably start putting together the boxes in the fall, about the time I decide I’ve had enough of my straggling side garden and I’m ready to rip the whole thing out.

I’ll post pictures of seedlings next week, hopefully, so you can see how ambitious I am for this year’s container garden. But please promise not to bring me before a tribunal for crimes against nature, okay?

Seriously, I have issues with squirrels.

Earlier this year I took up backyard bird watching as a sort of informal hobby. I have a couple of birding books, a pair of binoculars that are just strong enough to let me peek in the neighbors’ windows see what’s going on in my own backyard and of course, a bird feeder loaded with black sunflower seed.

Plus three big fat honkin’ squirrels.

The original big fat honkin’ squirrel is a regular in our yard and was dubbed Lardo the Big-Butt squirrel because he liked to gorge himself pretty regularly at our feeder. A few months ago, he was joined by two friends, one of whom the kids have taken to calling Buffalo Butt, and the other of whom has so far remained nameless beyond me occasionally calling him “YOU *@#!ING SQUIRREL!” All three of these rotund little beasties seem to think I’m putting out bird feed for them and not the birds. WRONG!

In my ongoing campaign against the squirrels, I’ve tried a lot of different tactics. At first, I bought a baffle for the feeder pole, because that’s how the squirrels were getting into the feeder. They’d just shimmy up the pole, reach over to the feeder and dump a ton of seeds on the ground, emptying the whole damn thing within a couple of hours of me filling it. The pole baffle worked for a few months.

Then the little menaces discovered they could bypass the pole entirely by climbing up a nearby tree instead and jumping over to the arm the feeder hangs from. Due to the layout of the yard, there really isn’t any place to put the feeder that wouldn’t be close to a tree, so I couldn’t simply move it to defeat the squirrels. Instead, I tried making additional homemade baffles to put on the feeder arm – toilet paper tubes, which I had hoped would roll the moment a squirrel stepped on them and toss the critters off; a 2 liter soda bottle with the bottom cut off, slid over the cord the feeder hangs by, which I had hoped would prevent the squirrels from climbing down the cord to get to the feeder; an inverted milk jug, again with the bottom cut off, that I hoped would trap the squirrels inside when they came down the cord. None of it worked.

It got to the point where I’d stand at my dining room window, watching the feeder for invading squirrels, then beat on the glass and shout obscenities to scare the bloody things away. But eventually the squirrels learned to ignore even that.

There was no doubt about it. I was losing the war. But then a couple of weeks ago, I found a new squirrel-proof feeder. It’s a long, skinny, plexiglass-glass box encased in a wire frame. The plexiglass-glass box has little windows cut into it so the birds can get at the food, and the wire frame has perches on it for the birds to sit on while they eat. Oh, and the frame has these lovely decorative metal leaves on it, one just above each window. And the wire frame hangs on the box by a pair of springs…

Basically, what happens is this. The birds can sit on the perches and eat, but if Lardo and Co. clamber on, their big fat squirrelly behinds make the wire frame slide down so that the metal leaves cover the windows, effectively shutting them out of the feeder. I’ve seen this in action five times now, and so far it works like a charm. Lardo, Buffalo Butt and That *@#!ing Squirrel spend several minutes hanging on the wire frame trying to figure out how to get to the food, only to give up when they realize the birdie breakfast bar is closed to them.

So for now, I’m winning The War Against The Squirrels. To ensure there are no hard feelings, I’ve started putting out ears of dried corn in a handy little squirrel feeder. I don’t mind feeding the squirrels, you see. I just don’t want them in my bird feeder scaring off all the birds.

Of course now we’ve got some ducks that keep wandering through the backyard and raiding the squirrel feeder every time I turn around. I haven’t found a way to keep them out yet, but honestly, I don’t really care. Lardo and Company can fend for themselves. I’m sure they’ll figure out how to repel these new invaders.

Sometimes, when writing, a gal needs a little inspiration. A little visual inspiration, if you know what I mean…

I will admit, I have searched the internet for porn and erotica, both for writing and art, and at times out of simple boredom. Occasionally, I’ve come across things that have surprised me, but these days I’m more often surprised by what comes out of my own fingertips when I type.

I’m not a huge fan of porn. There’s this age old argument amongst erotica writers about what the difference is between porn and erotica. Some say porn has no plot, no characterization, no point, where as erotica has all these things. Some folks say porn and erotica are the same thing, but porn is what other people watch while erotica is what the writer creates.

I say this. Erotica is a genre that looks at sex and its related issues and how these things affect people’s lives. Every day, we make choices with regards to sex. Should we have it or not today? With whom? And why? If we buy this toothpaste, will we really look as sexy as the girl in the commercial? If I sleep with this guy, will I finally be happy/fulfilled/not so damned bored with my life? And so on. These are the stories I enjoy writing, and the ones I most enjoy reading. And when it comes to more visual material, I kind of feel the same way, although being a visual creature, a picture of a naked man engaged in illicit pursuits of any kind is still going to jump start the sexual center of my brain.

Anyway, that’s my take on erotica vs. porn. Ask around. You’ll find that other people’s definitions will vary, and who’s to say who’s right and who’s wrong? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some research for a story…

This happens to me all too often. I look forward to Mondays because Monday is my first opportunity to work without interruption after a weekend of screaming kids and Hubster (Hubster does not scream, but he does keep me busy on the weekends). I enjoy my time with my family, but I do need time to work, so by the time Monday comes around, I’m usually chomping at the bit to get started. Then wouldn’t you know it? One of the kids is sick, there’s a doctor’s appointment to go to, Hubster decides to work at home which always completely disrupts my routine…

The last couple of weeks’ worth have been totally eaten by sick kids, sick me, and doctor appointments. And yesterday, when I thought I’d finally have the house to myself to work, Pixie came down with a fever. It’s been frustrating, I tell ya. I do most of my writing in the evenings after the kids are asleep and while Hubster is busy up in the office, but I still need a couple hours during the day to handle email, finances, story critiques, website updates, blogging, etc. If I don’t get that time, those tasks start to build up fast, and pretty soon I find myself staying up all hours of the night just to keep up. I hate it!

I recently read an article on author Jodi Picoult, a woman who’s written 17 novels in 18 years (and no, I haven’t read a single one of her books). She gets up at the crack of dawn, goes for a three mile walk, and then works until 3PM when her kids get home. I started to think, “Man! Wouldn’t that be great, to just write for six or seven hours straight? Think how much writing I’d get done! I wish I had her schedule.” Then I read that she gets 200 fan emails a day and she personally responds to all of them, and suddenly I realized I pretty much do have her work schedule. Not with the 200 fan emails a day of course (though I wouldn’t complain about that). But Jodi Picoult is also handling those same minor tasks that eat up so much of a writer’s time, and if she has kids, I’m betting she also has days where she’s got to take care of a sick child or spend all day in the doctor’s office instead of at her desk writing. And yet she still gets stuff done.

And I get stuff done too. A short story a week, two web comics, commissions for my computer graphics business, etc. In spite of all the juggling, it does all somehow get done.

Huzzah, it’s Tuesday. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work!

For some reason, these sorts of conversations happen to me all the time. I’m sitting in the dojo or at the park or in the play area of Chic-Fil-A, working on my latest evil project, and a mom I don’t know will ask, “So, what are you working on?” Fortunately, these conversations never last long…

I have not made a voodoo doll exactly. I did crochet a zombie and then a ninja, both of which I believe I’ve shown off here in the blog. Right now, I’m sewing a felt pillow/creature for Princess – a one-eyed, winged heart doll. It’s based on a little doodle I often like to draw. Princess is also sewing these days, making a heart dolly of her own for Pixie. Nobody is quite sure what Pixie is doing, but here is her latest artistic effort.

Apparently one of these figures is me with blood on my teeth, one of these figures is the Hubster with blood on his teeth, one of these is Pixie with blood on her teeth, and the shortest character is a baby with blood on its teeth. We’ve been talking about adopting a third child, and Pixie very much wants a baby sister. Princess was very upset not to be in this family portrait.

BTW, today’s cartoon also features my best friend Mary. I’ve known Mary since I was 11, which means I’ve now known her 30 years. Kind of scary. Mary knows pretty much everything about me, and yes, she would enjoy watching me give someone a heart attack and as a nurse, she’s more than qualified to perform CPR on my victims. Love ya, Mary!

Yep, this is exactly what I want and pretty much how I expect the day to go. And don’t forget, I have a dental appointment today! Yee-HAW!

In all seriousness, I got some very nice presents from the Hubster and my sister, and have already been informed by my in-laws and parents that there’s a little something from both of them on the way. I’ll be spending this weekend with family as we celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday (she was born on Leap Day; how cool is that?!). And then I’m thinking that the next Friday, I’m blowing everything off and going to hide in the bookstore for the afternoon until I absolutely have to leave to get the kids. Or maybe I’ll just sit at my computer and play around with my graphics programs? Who knows! The thing is, I’ve been trying to take a day off for the last two months and something’s always come up. Not this time. Not if I can help it.

So here’s hoping everyone with a birthday today has a great day, and the rest of you too! See ya!

I did this panel over the weekend, while manning my author’s table at Farpoint. I bought one of the Canson comic strip drawing pads and used it for this week’s episode. The Canson pads are expensive – at least twice what I pay for the Strathmore pads I’ve been using – and they only have 14 sheets, not 100+. However, the advantage of using the Canson comic strip pad is that each page comes pre-lined and measured, so I don’t have to draft out my panels, I can just start drawing. Also, the paper is Bristol board, not cheap sketch book paper. I love cartooning on Bristol board. It’s smooth and very sturdy. But most important, the Canson pad is small enough to be portable, yet large enough to make drawing easy. And since this week’s and last week’s panels turned out so well using this paper, I think I’ll be willing to suck up the expense and buy more Canson pads.

Now onto today’s topic of discussion. I’ve been wanting to draw this particular strip for a long time. I had the idea back in April of last year, and held onto it until now, just a few days before Princess’ birthday. Turns out this week’s strip is very appropriate for two reasons.

First, I suck at children’s parties. Really. I hate the bloody things. Not because I don’t want my kids to have fun; I do want them to have fun. But I recall the days when a children’s party was simply a matter of inviting a few kids over, serving cake and ice cream, opening a few presents, letting the little monsters run amok for a bit, and then sending everyone home after an hour or so. That’s what it was like when I was a kid. Now that I have kids of my own, the rules have changed.

These days, no children’s party is considered a success unless it’s a ginormous affair with a giant inflatable moon bounce in the backyard, catering by Chic-Fil-A, and a visit from Spiderman. I’ve been to children’s parties where there were approximately 30 kids there, ranging from 6 months to 12 years of age. There are usually a lot of adults there, nearly two for every child, invited to attend along with the kids. There’s cake, soda, and lots of chicken nuggets for the kids, with beer and barbeque and fancy appetizers for the adults. And then there’s the mountain of presents coming out the wazoo, with lots of screaming and fighting occurring as the birthday child opens them. It’s madness, I tell ya, and not the kind I can get into. And every year the parties get worse as each set of parents tries to outdo the last. I don’t like paying an arm and a leg for a kid’s party. I don’t like forking over mega-bucks to feed a pack of adults I don’t really know. And I don’t like having to clean my house just to watch it get trashed again by screaming hordes of kids (and the alternative of renting a venue for the party leaves me cold too; those places are damned expensive and usually not worth the money). Thus I suck at hosting kids’ of parties because honestly, I hate them.

For the last few years I’ve allowed myself to be suckered into the whole big bash trend, but not this year, which leads us to the second reason why the above cartoon is apropos. I killed Princess’ birthday party this year. Killed it flat out dead. You see, Princess got grounded at the beginning of the month for not doing her schoolwork, and I told her that if she didn’t get the problem straightened out by the time I needed to start planning her party, there would be no party. You can guess what happened. It takes time, more than I have to spare these days, to reserve a venue, write up the guest list, send out the invites, arrange for food (do we make everything or waste a bundle on kids’ catering?), hire a clown or magician or other character, etc. I told Princess that if she wasn’t going to take the time to do her school work when she’s supposed to, then I didn’t have time to prepare for a party. And that’s true because I’m spending more time that I can count supervising her completing the unfinished school work at home.

So no party. Instead, I somehow managed to schedule eye appointments for Princess and I on her birthday, AND I managed to schedule the entire family for dental appointments on my birthday a few days later.

Do I know how to party, or what?

Happy birthday Princess! Even though you didn’t get that big party you wanted, you know I love you.

This actually happened. Last week, the kids were home three days straight due to a school holiday and two snow days following. This in addition to them being home for the weekend. The snow had started on Friday, kept through till Saturday, and was still covering pretty much everything on Sunday. Monday was the school holiday. By Tuesday, I’d been dealing with snow-crazed kids for four days straight, so when I left for my mammogram that morning, I could not get out of the house fast enough. I was damned disappointed that the exam only took 15 minutes. I was hoping to spend all morning sitting quietly in the waiting room, just enjoying a little alone time.

But no such luck. I begged to be allowed to stay once my exam was over and was promptly kicked out. So back home I went to my snow-crazy kids. They had one more day off from school, then finally went back Thursday and Friday. And were home when the snow started again that Friday evening. Yes, another weekend at home with my snow-crazy kids. It’s enough to make one beg to have their boobs squashed flat again.

Hope you’ve all survived whatever winter storms are in your area, and if you haven’t had a mammogram done yet and need to get one, hop to it! It may be the only way you’ll get a few minutes of peace and quiet this winter.