Category: Cartoon

Web comics and other cartoons by by Helen E. H. Madden

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Rats! Episode 42 – How to look cool on a date

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Confession time. I sucked at dating in college. As in, I could never seem to get a date. I had one jerk boyfriend my freshman year who dumped me after he graduated. After that, I didn’t date again until my senior year. The person I dated then ended up being the person I married, and am still married to several years later. In fact, if you include our time dating, we’ve been together 20 years. Not bad for someone who sucked at dating in college, huh?

I think the reason why I did so poorly on the dating scene was that I was not cool. I’m still not cool, in case you’re wondering, but I don’t give a damn anymore. That’s the nice thing about being in your forties, married and having kids. You don’t have to worry about crap like that any more.

Having said all that, I was never too short to see over the steering wheel of my car. My roommate on the other hand… man, was she ever short!

Enjoy your week!

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ACW Episode 91 – Did you vote?

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I cannot tell you how incredibly hard I laughed after hearing my dad’s story. My dad is the original practical joker in the family, and for something like that to happen to him is not unexpected. He lives a strange life. And now you know where I get it from.

My dad is also sort of a cartoonist. I drew today’s cartoon in his “style,” in honor of him. He always draws these little stick figures doing goofy things. He was sort of like a pre-internet xkcd. If xkcd drew cartoons about evil little children tearing their father’s hair out while he snored.

Anyway, this week’d cartoon is for my dad. My poor, bald dad, whom I love even if he does shoot and eat Bambi. Keep deer alive!!!

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Rats! Episode 41 – What to wear on a date (with cockroaches)

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I pulled out this cartoon this morning and laughed. Not because of the punch line, which I do think was pretty funny, but because of the background I drew. The “Oni-Kitty” and cockroach posters are shout-outs to some civilian friends of mine. Denise and Telf (whom I would later share an apartment with for a year, post-college) had this really evil cat named Truffles. Truffles only seemed to like Denise and absolutely loathed everyone else, as I recall. Except for my boyfriend/future husband Michael. For some reason, Truffles really, really liked Michael, especially when she was in heat. That only made her more evil in my eyes of course. So we called her Oni-Kitty, which meant devil cat. Oni is a Japanese term for demon or devil, and Denise and Telf and I spent a lot of time with the Virginia Tech Anime Society, so it was only natural we pick label Truffles with an anime nomiker. Evil, evil cat, I swear.

The cockroach poster was a salute to one of my best friends, Joelle, who was working on her master’s degree in entomology at Virginia Tech. She was writing her thesis on something to do with blattella germanica, or the German cockroach. For fun, Joelle would sometimes take a Madagascar cockroach from the entomology department out for a walk. Madagascar cockroaches are HUGE, and all Joelle had to do was glue a bit of string to the back of one for a leash. Oh, these cockroaches also make a weird hissing noise if you poke them. We always called the cockroach Pookie, just to be cute.

So I drew cartoons about Truffles the evil Oni-Kitty and Pookie the cockroach, and I had forgotten all about that until I saw this week’s cartoon. I’m still chuckling over it. Joelle, Telf and Denise, wherever you are, I hope you guys are doing well 😉

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ACW Episode 90 – Sanity and/or Fear!

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Yes, we came, we saw, we volunteered and we had a really great time! I don’t know what the newspapers are saying about it, but personally I think the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear was a great success.

We left Friday afternoon to head up to DC. Mich went with us. Unfortunately for her, our Saturn VUE was in the shop, so we all had to pile into the sedan. That meant she spent the entire trip sandwiched between Princess and Pixie. She was a good sport about it though…

We got to my inlaws in DC around 8PM, had a very nice dinner with the family (courtesy of my brother-in-law Chris and his wife Heather), and then crashed for the night. Next morning we got up early, got dressed and headed out the door. On our way to the Metro, we saw the Burning Man Dragon, Abraxis!

There’s a video about this online at the Washington Post.

We got to the Metro, which was packed, and made it to the National Mall by about 10AM. There were people in costume everywhere, including this guy…

And this guy…

(If you have never found Waldo before, you couldn’t miss him at the rally. In fact, there were so many Waldos there, we were pretty much tripping over them!)

And then there was this very talented individual…

Yes, the man is juggling a tennis racket, a basketball, and a bowling ball, and doing it very well. I was impressed!

It wasn’t too terribly crowded when we got to the Mall, but it was crowded enough that we got separated from Mich. She managed to get a lot further forward in the crowd than we did, but then we were carrying two small children with us. Still, we had a decent view of the Jumbotron, and there was a very nice lady next to us who not only offered to let the girls sit in her lawn chair but also gave them a brownie. The girls were pretty good for the rally, though Pixie wanted to be held the entire time (and not by me, because she thinks I’m evil, but I held her anyway because I can’t hold up the Princess!).

Here are a few of the other characters we saw at the rally.

Tea bag, anyone?

I don’t care if he shot first, Han Solo has a nice butt.

Zombies!!!!

Patriotic zombies!!!!

The zombies were very cool. They ended up in front of us in the crowd. A lot of people kept passing back and forth in front of them, on their way to the porta-johns, and every time that happened, the entire group of zombies looked behind them before stepping back to make sure they didn’t step on Pixie and Princess. I thought that was very thoughtful of them. Yay for polite zombies!

We also brought rally signs, by the way. Mine was my “Fear Me” t-shirt, of course, but I also had signs made for the Hubster and kids.

Hubster is an engineer, so obviously he prefers balance in everything.

Thanks to Just Dance, Pixie is a huge fan of Katy Perry, and she thinks it’s unfair that her idol didn’t get to sing on Sesame Street.

Of course, the big winner of our signs was this one…

That’s right, Keep Deer Alive! Because we got separated from Mich, we spent two hours after the rally walking around the National Mall looking for her. The reason it took two hours to find her was because everyone few minutes, someone would stop us and ask to take a picture of Princess with her sign. By the end of the afternoon, she was really hamming it up, holding the sign over her head and chanting, “Keep deer alive! Keep deer alive! Where were you when Bambi’s mother was shot?!”

Her sign turned out to be popular enough that it even ended up on the Huffington Post (along with 500 or so others).

We finally found Mich around 6PM. She had volunteered to help with post-rally clean up and was sorting garbage and recyclables. I volunteered to stay and sort with her while Hubster took the kids home. The garbage sorting was interesting. We found a baby kegger, some lawn chairs, and enough uneaten food to provide a full course meal for a family of four (if there was a family of four willing to eat of the garbage can). We also found plenty of recyclables, so that made the garbage sorting effort worth it.

Mich and I finished up around 8PM or so, then made our way back to my in-laws. After another very nice dinner courtesy of Chris and Heather, we all crashed again, then headed out the next morning for home. Once again, poor Mich got stuffed in the back seat with the girls…

We made it home in plenty of time to unpack, clean up and get ready for trick or treating!

Although it really didn’t feel like we’d left the rally at DC, thanks to my neighbors’ fearful front yard.

If Stephen Colbert had jumped out of that Halloween display, I would not have been surprised!

Hope you all had a good weekend.

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Rats! Episode 40 – Oops! My bad!

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Actually, she does look macho. All women in uniform do, but when you slap ’em in a set of cadet greys, the effect is even more pronounced.

My apologies for not putting this week’s Rats! up yesterday. I was going to do it, but I had a podcast to finish and then Pixie’s preschool called me to tell me she was sick, and you know she was sick because she turned down a cupcake at lunch, and then I had some graphics commissions to finish because I’m leaving today for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, and did I mention we’re down to one car because my car is in the shop so the Hubster and I have had to play car tag all week so he could get to work and I could pick up the kids from school? It’s been an interesting week, to say the least.

Anyway, about women in uniform. I was always amazed at the reaction I’d get anytime people who knew me as a cadet, and later as an officer, saw me in civilian clothes. They’d just sort of freak out and say things like, “Oh my god! You have hair!” And I’d be like, “No duh! I have to braid it and put it up everyday before I get into uniform!” And they’d be like, “But seriously! You have all this HAIR!” I looked so different in civilian clothes that I actually got asked out on a date by one of my NCOs at a reserve unit function one time. The moment he realized who I was, he ran away screaming. I’m still not sure if I should have taken that as a complement or not.

I had a lot of hair back then. It came all the way down to the middle of my back, and it was very thick. And red. I love Miss Clairol. Now it’s still thick and red, but not quite as long. I cut a lot of it off after having the second child. It was just too much to deal with when I had a collicky baby on my hands. I’m growing it back again though, so maybe I’ll be able to braid it again come this summer. That would be nice.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ll be at the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, and I’ll be wearing my supercool “Fear Me!” t-shirt. You can still get a “Fear Me!” t-shirt at Zazzle.com and all the profits from the shirt will continue to go to DonorsChoose.org. (BTW, they’re having a $5 off all shirts sale for Halloween, so BUY NOW!). Buy a t-shirt for that strong, macho woman in your life, and do something good while you’re at it!

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ACW Episode 89 – Choices, choices…

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So last week I had this weird virus thingy I was dealing with – aches and pains, a slightly sore throat, no energy whatsoever. Then just as I was getting over that, I got hit with a lovely, simply LOVELY case of insomnia. Three nights of staring at the ceiling, elbowing the Hubster in the ribs every time he flopped onto his back and started to snore. I just live for nights like that.

Not. I’m supposed to be up at 5AM most mornings to get a jump on work, and you know that between the virus thingy and the insomnia, that just didn’t happen. So now I’m scrambling to play catch up. Last night was the first decent night of sleep I’ve had in a while, and I’m groggy this morning, but at least I feel somewhat human. Come 5PM, I’ll probably be feeling more like that eggplant in panel one.

Hope you all have a good day and a good night’s sleep! I got to get on with my work.

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Rats! Episode 39 – Ah, refreshments

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After having been such a downer last week, ranting about the ills of alcohol and under-aged drinking, I must confess this week that I did end up at some parties I never should have been at. I still say, “Don’t drink!” But hey, I’m not completely innocent in that department myself. Not that I ever drank before the age of 21, but like I said, I went to some rather… interesting parties.

Not much major going on this week, except for getting ready for the March To Keep Fear Alive! I don’t know how many folks from Virginia Tech plan to head up to DC on 30 October, but me and mine will certainly be there. If you go up there, be on the look out for a woman with horns, demon wings, and a killer smile. No seriously, my smile has caused people to die in fright. Aaaaaaand, I’ll also be wearing my “Fear Me!” t-shirt, which you can also buy from Zazzle.com. Profits from the shirt sales go straight to DonorsChoose.org. So if you’re a strong, scary woman or if you know a strong, scary woman, buy a shirt and do something good while you’re at it.

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ACW Episode 88 – Knitting in public

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Two things have surprised me about learning to knit. The first is the number of people who express surprise that I can knit when they see me doing it in public. Not surprise as in, “Oh wow, I didn’t think you had enough brain cells to be able to do something like that.” But more like, “Holy cow! What is that bizarre activity you’re doing? I could never do that!” Why people think they can’t knit is beyond me, as the basics are pretty… well, basic. Things do get more complicated, but you sort of work up to that. Which brings me to surprise number two.

Naughty knitting patterns. I knew about the penis cozies. I can’t recall who told me about them, but I had heard of them before. What I wasn’t aware of was the patterns for lingerie, stockings, garter belts, etc. I keep finding fun new patterns that I want to try, and I’m just waiting to get busted while knitting one of them at my daughter’s Catholic school. Nuns don’t scare me, just so you know, but it does hurt when they hit you in the back of the head with an eraser.

And speaking of things nuns wouldn’t approve of, here are my boobs again…

If you have not yet bought your “Fear Me!” t-shirt, you can still get one! I’m going to keep these t-shirts available on Zazzle.com for the indefinite future, because I’m hoping they’ll sell well and send some much needed money to DonorsChoose.org. This is the shirt I’ll be wearing at the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, and since I’m obviously going in hopes of keeping fear alive, I’ll be tricked out in full cynical regalia, with the horns, the demon wings backpack, funky sunglasses, etc. Anyway, buy a shirt or donate directly to DonorsChoose.org, and do something good with your dirty, dirty money!

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Rats! Episode 38 – How to plan a party

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Oh freshmen, beware of parties. I know you guys think you know how to party, but trust me, things can go very wrong very fast, especially if you con someone into buying your underage butt some alcohol.

I don’t mean to be a downer here, but the fact is during my time at Virginia Tech, I saw quite a few freshmen (and sophomores and juniors and seniors and even super-seniors) get so drunk at parties, they pretty much devolved into brain-dead protoplasm, and I never could understand the point of that. For starters, is it really all that fun to be so drunk that you cannot put one foot in front of the other and thus must spend all night face down on the floor? Or else spend the next 24 hours puking your guts out into the toilet? I’ve seen seen freshman puke so hard they nearly turned themselves inside out, and once I saw one of my buds pass out and nearly fall right out an open window on the fifth floor of the dorm. Not funny guys. Not funny at all.

My dad used to always say, “Before you go drinking, count the money in your wallet and put a bucket beside your bed. The next morning, check your wallet and see how much you spent. Then check the contents of the bucket. That’s what you bought.”

Maybe it’s just because I can’t really drink. I’ve been told I have the metabolism of a gerbil. I get buzzed off a single drink, and I mean I get really tipsy, but then ten minutes later, it’s completely over. I don’t even need the bucket to tell me that what I spent to be tipsy for 10 lousy minutes was really not worth the money.

But you college kids will go do what you want to do anyway. Just remember what your Auntie Helen says. Before you party, check your wallet and put the bucket beside your bed. And DON’T FORGET YOUR DESIGNATED DRIVER!!!!!! That way you’ll be sure to survive long enough to see what you bought the next day. Hope you like what you paid for.

One final note, I am attending the March to Keep Fear Alive on 30 October, and in honor of the occasion I am selling t-shirts for charity at Zazzle.com. The “Fear Me” t-shirt says…

It’s perfect for that strong, smart, scary woman in your life, and all the profits go to DonorsChoose.org. So buy a shirt of make a donation directly to a good cause. Thank you for your support!

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ACW Episode 87 – Watch out! I knit!

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I recently bought a pair of size 19 knitting needles and HOLY COW are those things big. They’re about as long as my forearms and nearly as big around. I was joking with Mich the other night about how I could use them for kobudo (Okinawan weapons, which I do as part of my karate training). Then I decided to see if I actually could use them in a kata. Guess what? Those size 19 needles work just fine for sai and tanbo kate! I can’t wait to take them to karate class and show my sensei what I can do with them ;D

In other news, I’ve posted the “Fear Me” t-shirts for sale on Zazzle.com. I have both women’s fit and uni-sex shirts available. All profits from the sales of these t-shirts go to DonorsChoose.org, the charity supported by the Colbert Report and the March To Keep Fear Alive. I will be at the march with my t-shirt, devil horns, and demon-winged backpack, so if you’re there too, keep an eye out for me. Until then, buy a “Fear Me” t-shirt for yourself or for that strong, smart, scary woman in your life, or donate directly to DonorsChoose.org. The money goes to help classrooms in need.