Category: Cartoon

Web comics and other cartoons by by Helen E. H. Madden

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ACW Episode 76 – Guess how much I love you!

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Oh, beware the horrific thingies that live in the toilet. For surely your child will find one and present it to you when you least expect it. Like say, right before you’re about to eat dinner.

I don’t know what Princess found in the toilet that evening, and I never intend to ask. Hubster does not recall the incident, so I figure whatever it was, it was so awful he wiped it from his memories. I personally don’t need that kind of brain damage. My kids have fried enough of my synapses as it is already.

We’ve had quite a few adventures with the pottie. There was the time I accidentally flushed a pair of Pixie’s “Little Mermaid” underpants down the toilet. Then there was the time we were in the best pizza parlor in all of Chicago and Pixie handed me a turd she’d just pooped out… right there at the table. I suppose that event is still worse than last week’s brain-exploding incident, wherein I caught Pixie fishing around in an unflushed toilet with her bare hands because she “wanted to see what it felt like.” Both Pixie and Princess got in trouble for that one; Pixie for playing in the toilet and Princess for forgetting to flush.

Yes folks, beware the dangers that lurk in the toilet. Surely there are no greater horrors than those involving kids and the potty.

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Rats! Episode 27 – Make way for baby!

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I barely remember Capt. Cuneo. He was big, I recall that. Not big as in tall, but as in so wide across the shoulders he had to turn sideways to get through the door. He was part of the staff for the Army ROTC department, I remember, and he was an Army Ranger. That last means I probably had very little contact with him, seeing as how I was about as far from Ranger material as you could get.

This was another comic done on request, although I can’t recall who requested it. Someone on the Army ROTC staff, I suppose. Beyond that, I couldn’t tell you. By now, Capt. Cuneo’s kid is probably in his early twenties and in the Army himself. Good luck to him wherever he is. I’m sure he’s making his dad proud.

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Rats! Episode 26 – Military Ball

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Gotta love Military Ball. This was an annual event for the VTCC, a formal affair where the cadets wore uniforms or ball gowns, depending on whether you were male or female or a practical joker. General Stanton Musser (I think that was his name) made it mandatory my junior year, and there was some howling over that. A lot of people were either not keen on dressing up in the monkey suits or weren’t happy about the prospects of finding a date. I can’t recall who I went with my junior year, the year this particular strip would have been drawn. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went with JP, my dyke (one of the terms for a freshman sponsered by a junior). I know JP was my date for Ring Dance, which was also another formal affair for cadets, though as I recall, the civilian student body also participated, just not to the extent that we did (presentation of the date by an escort, presentation of the ring, sabers, uniforms, etc.). I do remember my date for Mil Ball my freshman year, and of course my date for Mil Ball my senior year was my future husband, Michael. And I didn’t go my sophomore year. But for the life of me, who I went with the year it was made mandatory is beyond me. I may not have had a date at all and just gone stag with some of my buds.

General Musser was interesting. He was a great guy, retired Air Force if I recall correctly, and popular with the VTCC. He was also aparently a fan of the Rats! cartoons. I know because I got a note from his office saying so, and because I got called down to his office one day with a request from his secretaries to draw a cartoon about the General. “Draw something about General Musser! And make it funny!” Noooooo pressure there!

Anyway, I don’t know if Military Ball is still mandatory or not. If any cadets or recent graduates are reading this, leave a comment and let me know. I’m always curious about how things have changed in the last 20 or so years…

20 or so years?! Jeeze, I’m getting old.

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ACW Episode 75 – Shake it!

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I still got it, though I end up paying for it the next morning if I use it these days.

The B-52s came to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg this weekend, and we all went; me, the Hubster, Princess, and Pixie. Plus Mich and her folks went as well. Busch has an outdoor venue, and it was hotter than blazes when the concert started at 6PM, but that didn’t stop yours truly from dancing like a maniac. As I told my girls, you tell the B-52s you love them by dancing! And I had a lotta love to show Sunday evening.

The concert was fantastic. They played both old and new stuff, and had fun with a lot of their popular songs, including Luv Shack, Planet Claire, and Rock Lobster. Plus they did a few songs from the new album, Funplex, which I am now waiting to get from Amazon. The title track, Funplex, is actually one of the songs on Just Dance, so the girls know that one. In fact, Pixie likes to dance around the house singing, ” Wooohooo, pa-pa-pa at the Funplex!” One of these days, she might actually learn the lyrics!

Anyway, as to my “cosmic thang.” When Fred Schneider III tells you to get up and shake it, you shake it. And I shook mine like a bowl full of jelly! And thus the next morning I could barely walk. I actually got up before the kids did by about an hour, but whereas they could run around and play, yours truly just dragged all day long. I don’t care. I had a great time, and I got a really cool concert t-shirt too:

How’s that for neato-keen?

I still got it, baby. And I’m gonna shake it till I die.

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Rats! Episode 25 – When things get tight

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Beware the dreaded Freshman 15! I actually did not gain much weight while I was in college. Maybe a grand total of 5 pounds over the course of 4 years, which really isn’t much at all. It was all that running and those early morning PT sessions, plus spending all day hiking from one end of the Virginia Tech campus to another that did the trick. These days I’m not nearly as active, unfortunately, though I try.

Some cadets I knew, however, did manage to pack on the weight, which made life interesting when their uniforms started to not fit. It didn’t happen to people often, but when it did, watch out! You could lose an eye when a shirt button popped. Plus, sometimes uniforms shrank. They were made of wool, after all.

I’m still trying to get back on track after the weeklong deadly stomach virus I had last month. I’m almost there, but just when I think I’m about to catch up, something happens. More work comes through the door (paying work is good, but it keeps me hopping!), or one of the kids gets sick, or we go on a trip… Honestly, life was much easier when I was a cadet. Seriously. To all you college cadets out there reading these cartoons, appreciate the life you have while you’ve got it, because when you have a spouse and kids and a house to take care of, things get a little more complicated. Trust me on this.

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ACW Episode 74 – Fireworks

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Our version of fireworks this summer. We’ve got a lot more fireflies this year than we did last year, and we’ve been counting them for the Museum of Science firefly count. The girls are fascinated by the fireflies, and if I could quit finding caterpillars long enough, I’d let them catch a few to put in a jar for a bit. However, we’ve got so many caterpillars, every available jar is currently in use as a habitat. Oh well.

Yes, this cartoon is in full color. No, I do not plan to make the switch to full color on a regular basis. It took me hours to color this one, and I only did it because I wanted to recreate the effect of so many fireflies in our backyard. And because this is sort of a belated 4th of July cartoon. I’m finishing this up very late and am going to bed now. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but tomorrow I’ve got to be up at 5AM for water aerobics. So good night for now and I hope you enjoy the cartoon.

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Rats! Episode 24 – Able to leap tall buildings…

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I read an article a couple months ago that said the military is having problems recruiting because many teens these days flat out don’t meet the height and weight standards, and are in no shape to meet the physical demands of military life. Personally, I was in no shape to meet the physical demands of military life when I was a cadet. Yeah, my height and weight were peachy keen, but before becoming a cadet, I’d never done push-ups, sit-ups or run for any lengthy distance. I took a lot of dance classes in my early teens and was in the marching band in high school. But that, ladies and gentlemen, was the extent of my physical fitness preparation for becoming a cadet. Needless to say, I did a lot of puking at the end of company runs when I got to Virginia Tech, and I suffered all through college trying to do decent push-ups.

However, I made it through, and to this day, I still try to stay fit. I’ve started to get back into running after some time off, and I also do swimming, water aerobics and karate. The Hubster and I are testing for our 3rd degree black belts in August some time, so I must be doing something right. I try to do push-ups and sit-ups, but I’m not sure I could do enough to pass an APFT these days. Guess I better get to work on those!

Hope all you cadets who are reading this are having a great summer! And be sure to mention to these cartoons to next year’s rats. They’ll probably enjoy knowing they aren’t the only ones who have ever suffered through their rat year.

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ACW Episode 73 – Let the Summer Fun Begin!

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From right to left, this was me, my best friend Mary, Pixie, Princess and Mary’s son (whom I call Spud Boy!) yesterday at Water Country, a ginormous water park that is the only amusement park I will willing attend. In general, I despise amusement parks; the long lines, the crowds, the over-priced greasy food, the stomach-churning rides, the HEAT! I much prefer museums, zoos, and gardens; places where I can learn things and I don’t have to stand in line or deal with a ton of cranky sweaty people who are pissed off because they paid WAAAAAAAAY too much money to get into the place and now their favorite ride is broken down.

And of course, I hate amusement parks because I used to work at one when I was a lowly teen. The only thing worse than going to an amusement park is working in one. Trust me on this.

But Water Country is different, mainly because it has water, which helps with the whole sweaty-heat problem. And also because I’ve yet to go there when it’s really crowded. It’s big, with plenty of things to do that don’t involve standing in line (though you can stand in some lines if you want to). Oh, and Water Country has no stomach churning puke-mixing rides. It does have a number of slides that make the Winter Olympics slalom look like a ride in the park, but that’s different. Those slides don’t totally screw with my inner ear and thus make me want to toss all my cookies when I get off. (I did enough tossing of cookies week before last, thanks.)

So Mary, the kids and I hit Water Country today and we had a great time. We started at the wave pool then made our way around to various play areas. Pixie is scared of anything new these days, and didn’t want to set foot in the water, so I had to make her, but once she was in she was fine. After about 2 1/2 hours of splashing around, we hit everybody’s favorite attraction, the Hubba-Hubba Highway, which is basically a long winding course of swift moving current that people float along in. We all strapped into life jackets and just went with the flow. It was very relaxing, and it made me think this is pretty much how I’d like the rest of summer to be – just go with the flow and relax. We’ll see if that happens.

There will probably be more of these “snapshots of summer” cartoons. I know everybody likes the funny stuff, but the girls are at an age where summer is becoming interesting and memorable, and I’d like to capture some of those moments while I can. Hope you’ll all indulge me when these cartoons turn up.

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Rats! Episode 23 – Shower time!

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Yet another item that got derailed last week, thanks to the stomach bug. I try to get all my blog posts for the week, including the Rats! posts, done by Sunday evening. And I was just getting ready to head up to the office and scan this in when I realized what I really wanted to do instead was puke in a bucket. Life’s funny like that, you know?

Anyway, here is a scene that happened all too often when I was a cadet. I’d be right in the middle of something like a shower, dying my hair, writing a paper, etc., and someone would burn their popcorn badly enough that the fire alarms went off and we all had to head outside. Fun.

The interesting thing to note about this image is that all the rats in the last panel are named. These were the rats in Hotel Company my junior year, when I first started drawing the Rats! cartoons. I think they may have just completed company initiation, an event where new cadets are run ragged before being formally accepted into the company. As I recall, this was something that usually happened in November, prior to Fall Break. My own company initiation two years earlier was a real hoot. After spending several hours on Friday combing every last inch of the campus to find the company guidon, we were given pass for the rest of evening, with orders to be back in bed by midnight. I know once I got the sand out of my shorts (they made us low crawl through the sand traps of the campus golf course), I basically said, “Screw the pass, I’m going to bed.” Others, however, went out and stayed out. I think at least one cadet came back very late… just in time for the upper classmen to come banging on our doors at 5AM and yell at us to get into our dress uniforms for another round of torment.

Fun times, people. By the way, the best way to get a drunk rat through the hallways is to sandwich him or her between two sober rats as they drag through the dorm. Just watch it on those 90 degree turns. You might accidentally tip your buddy and send them crashing to the floor.

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ACW Episode 72 – Why there was no cartoon last week

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Mea culpa. I had every intention of getting a cartoon up last Tuesday, but then things sort of went to hell in a handbasket. Or a vomit bucket, as the case may be.

I mentioned this in yesterday’s post, but thought I would share the whole gory story with you today. Sunday night last week, I got hit with a very lovely stomach bug that kept me up all night wretching and puking hard enough that I dared not go anywhere without a bucket in hand. By Monday morning, the techni-colored yawning had stopped, and I thought I’d be okay if I just stayed in bed for the day. I even managed to draw the cartoon you see above that Monday evening. But I didn’t have the energy to get up that night and scan it in and write the blog post. So I figured that early Tuesday morning, I’d take care of those last little details. Only on Tuesday morning I discovered I couldn’t stay upright very long without getting all queasy and dizzy again…

Tuesday ended up being the day from hell. Princess’ class had an end-of-the-year party that I had to go to. Yes, had to. It was one of those things where they hand out awards to the kids and you know all the other parents are going to be there and your kid will cry if you don’t make it, especially when you promised them (pre-stomach flu) that you would definitely be there. So Hubster stayed home that day, helped me get up and get dressed, and then dragged my corpse into the car and out to the school. He made sure I stayed upright through the ceremonies and the following party, and then dragged me and the kids off to the post office to complete passport applications. This of course took forEVER! By the time we got through with all that, I really felt lousy, so Hubster took me back home and dropped me into bed and I pretty much stayed there until 10AM the next day.

Wednesday was Pixie’s day home, and I am extremely grateful that she decided to sleep very late that morning. As it was, when she came bouncing into my room at 10AM, I still couldn’t stay upright long, so I spent all the rest of that day on the couch watching kids’ cartoons with her. I somehow managed to drag myself out to the bus stop to get Princess when the time came, but when we returned home, I told her she was in charge and Pixie had better behave because if I had to get out of bed, I was going to collapse on top of somebody and nobody was going to enjoy that. Then I went back to bed and slept for four hours straight, all the while having weird feverish dreams about Princess and Pixie turning into Lisa and Maggie from “The Simpsons,” and they acted out some famous movie that I can now no longer remember, and they did it on the movie set for “On Golden Pond” (which was definitely not the movie they were acting out). Meanwhile, I had turned into Homer Simpson (“D’oh!”) but Hubster remained the same, and then someone opened up a hardware store in our hallway. That last part turned out to be true, because the kids had decided to pretend they were owners of a hardware store/gift shop, and their playing woke me up.

Miraculously, I felt much better by then; tired, but no longer dizzy every time I sat up. And by Thursday morning, I was able to get up and reclaim my kitchen from the astonishingly huge pile of dirty dishes that had accumlated whilst I was sick. I still have not caught up on laundry, but then we did take a quick weekend trip up to see my in-laws, so I was going to be behind in that task no matter what.

So, I apologize for not having a cartoon posted last Tuesday, but as you can see, there were extenuating circumstances. I’m sure you’ll all understand.

And if you don’t, I hope you catch the stomach flu and can’t find a bucket when you need one. Nyah.